The Most Dangerous Animal

Countdown to Delivery: 29 days
Due date: 4/18/10

Remember Marlin Perkins and Wild Kingdom?  I loved that show.  It was on that show that I learned about the most dangerous animal on the planet; a mother Kodiak bear.  Since one lives in my house I can tell you all about them!

Most of the time they hibernate.  Sometimes during the day.  Often they don't even make it to the upstairs bedroom.  They just curl up on the sofa, usually with a great exhalation of air and a few wimpers.  When they are asleep they are not much trouble at all.  At least, until you wake them.

When you wake them they are always hungry.  Ravenous is the word.  A mother Kodiak bear will eat your arm off if you don't get her food VERY fast.  For the most part if you just carry food on your person all the time, and the old bear wakes up...you can feed her right them.  If you don't she could even eat your child who might be harmlessly coloring at her craft table.  Kodiaks do not use ketchup, by the way, they just eat it whole.

I walked up on the bear yesterday as I came in from work.  The snarl was quite frightening and I hid my arms from plain site.  With my back to the wall, making sure I maintained eye contact, I slid my way over to the refrigerator and pulled out a jar of Klausen Always Refrigerated Whole Dill Pickles with Low Sodium.  Reaching my hand into the jar and fending off the mad bear with a kitchen chair that I grabbed on the way in I managed to get two large pickles out of the jar.  Lately I've been buying them by the case along with Mayfield Moose Tracks Ice Cream.

Quickly I threw the pickles at the bear who snatched them out of mid air and swallowed them in one gulp.  Rapidly her anger subsided, but only for a moment.  While she was delighting herself with the pickle taste in her muzzle I cobbled up a peanut butter and honey sandwich and left it on the counter while I grabbed my only child and fled the house.  It was a narrow escape.

In a few minutes we returned to the house to find a happy mommy busily going about making dinner.

That was a close call!