Plane Old Katie

Our family is relocating to Salt Lake City, Utah.  I've been offered a fantastic job and we're going to take it.  Today Marie, Katie and Isabel (the grandmother) boarded a plane for Utah.

Taking care of a five month old is tough.  Taking care of one at 30,000 feet for four hours is enough to scare the hardiest of folk.  But we are prepared!  Ok, we weren't.

It started with my alarm clock going off at 4:15 am.  Normally this would not scare me to death if it was at 5:30 am.  But there is something about the alarm clock going off that early that scares the wits out of me.  I jumped up and grabbed a shower hoping that I washed everything.  Zzzzzzzz.

We all loaded up in the car and for the most part nothing went wrong.  Parking was great.  So was ticketing.  Then came security and we blazed through it at record time.  Jesus was cutting me a break today.  Katie got on board the plane and was a doll the whole trip.  You can't ask for more.  Well, maybe you can.  You can ask for all FIVE pieces of luggage that you gave the agent back in Atlanta, instead of just four.  At least you can ask for the single most important piece to show up and just lose Daddy's stuff.

DELTA - Delivering Excuses Liberally To All

They lost the infant seat.  The infant seat is the baby bucket that you carry the child in and the device that fastens it to the car so that she's not the first thing to fly through the windshield when you crash.  It is VERY important, especially when you have a grumpy wife pointing her finger at you and yelling "so just what are we going to do now Mr. world traveler?"

Luckily Budget Rent a Car had one that we could rent for $13 per day.  The number 13 is NEVER a good number, so I paid him $14.  Marie and I sat on the concrete in the rental care pick up zone and tried to figure out how to work it.  Finally we just duct taped Katie to the seat and left it at that.

By this time the mommy was quite hungry (read ANGRY) and was pissing me off so we stopped at Fuddruckers for a designer burger.  Two of the three designer burgers went back to the kitchen with a thousand apologies from Senior Manager.  Takes a lot to screw up a burger so bad that you send it back.

Did Scott sent his burger back?  Well, he should.  But the baby had puked on his shirt while on the plane and then grabbed his soda and dumped it on him at the restaurant.  I was cold and hungry and just didn't feel like fighting.  So I ate probably the worst burger I've ever eaten.

The rest of the day went smooth.  We left Izzie with the baby and drove all over Utah.  It is a wonderful place and the mountains are fantastic.  Marie directed me to neighborhoods and we took in the sites.  Neither of us can wait to look at houses tomorrow.

Katie was getting hungry, so we went back to the hotel and fed the baby.  I found out that the model train store was only two miles a way and snuck out a window with the van keys.  The damage was $55 and I made a new friend of the manager.  Nothing like my best buddy Mike, but I'll take what I can get.

It's getting dark and Marie and her mom have left to go get dinner.  They'll bring me back something later, so I'll just sit hear and stare at my precious daughter sleeping soundly.

Good night! 

Night of the Zombie Child

The moon is full.  Clouds drift over the sky casting eerie shadows.  Even the crickets are quite.

This is when Zombies walk the earth.

My daughter is five and still has to wear a pull-up to bed in order to keep her bed dry.  We've been trying to help her learn to get up and go to the pottie.  The doctor told us that before we go to bed we should wake her up and take her to the pottie.  That way she can empty her bladder and get used to getting up on her own.  Easier said than done.

I sneak into the room.  Taylor is sleeping upside down (head at the foot of the bed) with a blanket around her feet and her stuffed "Horsie" horse-shaped baby blanket on her head.  She is out cold.

"Honey, let's wake up.  Time to go pottie."
I rub her back gently but get not response.
"T, time to get up."
I remove Horsie from his position on her head.  Eyes are closed tight.  No movement.
"Cutie, let's get up and go to the pottie."
I tickle her feet.  No movement. 
I kiss her check.  Still, no movement.
"Taylor-pie...time to potty!"
Gently I move her around on the bed.

ZOMBIE EYES!

Her eyes are large and glassy!  Fixed in position.  There is no happy child smile on her face!  She is a zombie. 

I pick her up and she is functional enough to drop her landing gear and stand up on the carpet. 

"Let's go to the potty."

Zombie turns around and crawls back into bed.

"No, lets go to the pottie sweetie..."

I pick her up again and put her on the floor.  Gently I take her hand and lead her into the hall.  She turns and moves toward the office.

"Taylor, let's go this way to the bathroom."

We march toward the bathroom.  Her Zombie eyes see the baby's room and she redirects herself to the door to Katie's room.

"No Sweetheart, its this way."

Meanwhile the mommy has gotten out the I-phone and has started a video so that we can show Taylor her sleepwalking.

Taylor changes course, passes by the bathroom which has its bright light on and walks to our bedroom.  I just let her go.  She climbs up into the bed, puts her head on the pillow and is asleep again.

"Honey...no, we need you to go to the pottie."

I pick her up and put her legs on the ground, but Zombies are stubborn if you happen to know anything about Zombies.  I've dated a few in my past so I'm an expert.

The Zombie moved toward the door, turned 180 degrees and moved for the bed again. 

"No, no cutie...this way" and I gently pick her up again.

Finally the Zombie child makes it to the potty.  She stands there for a minute, turns around and climbs onto the pottie backwards facing the tank.  She still has her pajamas on.

"Mommy, go help the Zombie."

After a few minutes we finally make pee pees and head back to bed.  I put her back in bed the right way with her head on the pillow.  Ever so carefully I put Horsie back on her head and cover her with a sheet and blanket.

The mommy and I agree that this is not the right way to potty train a Zombie.

Summer Vacation - Day 5 - She'll Be Coming Down the Mountain

 The View from the Cabin

It is sad to leave the cabin.  Both Marie and I want another day.  I got up early and tried to pack all the heavy stuff while Marie attended the children.  Our plan was to all go out for breakfast but everyone got packed before we did and wanted to get on the road.

We ate pancakes at the Little Pancake House and then went to feed the ducks.  Katie was quiet, so we hit the road.

The drive over the mountain is spectacular and we stopped to see the scenery a few times.  The stops were few and mainly just to feed or take care of Katie.  Taylor watched movies the whole time.

The rain met us in Georgia and followed us home.  Winston the dog rejoined the family as he was visiting the neighbors all weekend.  After what seemed liked hours of unloading and putting away the children are in bed and Mommy and I are exhausted.

It was a good trip.

Summer Vacation - Day 4 - Look For the Bear Necessities

An Old Mountain Black Bear

Happy Birthday to Me!  I'm 46 years old today.  After hiking yesterday I feel like 56.  The last time I did the Laurel Falls trail I hiked it starting from Ski Mountain, which makes it 13 miles with most of it up hill except for the last two going from the falls to the road.  I did it with a 22 pound back pack and wasn't even tired.  I've got to go to the gym.

My daughter jumped up into my lap proudly waving a birthday card with DADDY on the envelope, carefully written in her own scribble.  She was so happy!  Her hug and watching her blow out my candles was the best birthday present every.

My wife gave me a card that, like always, insinuated getting sex, yet wound up promising that for the next 24 hours that I could be right.  I bet her the $100 that my mother gave me in her card that she wouldn't honor it.  As predicted, she was telling me that I was wrong in less than five hours.  Would have rather had the sex, frankly.  I didn't even get the extra $100. 

Luke and Laura gave me a fantastic present!  They will baby sit for us while Marie and I go out.  What a great gift!  Marie loves to go to movies and so do I so we'll use this one up soon.  I also get to go over and pick out a train item from Luke's basement which will be great fun.  I wonder if it is too early to start drinking Izzy's present?

We left after a light breakfast to go to town.  We are going to see Ripley's Aquarium.  It is a very nice aquarium and frankly I think it is better than the one in Atlanta.  Mimi and Izzy drove together and showed us where to park.  We packed up the baby in the stroller and made sure Taylor looked both ways before crossing the busy street.

Little Katie demanded to be held upright so that she could see all the fish and she was fascinated with them.  Taylor zoomed from exhibit to exhibit and back again.  The grandmothers and Marie tried their best to keep an eye on Taylor while I toted the baby.

When we were done we realized that it was pouring down rain outside.  Mimi got a poncho in the gift shop and we both ran to the cars.  While soaking I sat in the steamy car and waited my turn to exit.  We picked up the rest of the family on the street and drove to Bennett's Bar-B-Q on the south end of town.  Marie and I spent a lot of time their when we first met on just such a rainy day over seven years ago.

Since the rain was plentiful we decided to go back to the cabin and take naps.  Instead Laura started teaching Taylor how to play pool on the fancy pool table down stairs.  Luke and I played a few games and then Marie joined us for doubles.  While playing someone shouted "Bear!  I see a bear!"  The whole cabin emptied out to the front window.  I grabbed my camera and took several shots but the cold camera (from the air conditioning) hit the moist air and fogged up the lens. The photo above is Izzy's.

After having a few drinks and enjoying the view I told the family that I didn't really want to drive back to town to go to Calhoun's for a birthday dinner.  It would be a very late night and not good for the children.  I suggested that we go to the store and buy rib eye steaks and cook at home.  The vote was unanimous.

Katie likes to giggle so we all took turns making her laugh.  It is so contagious that the whole room will wind up laughing.

Later, Luke and I grilled the steaks while the grandma's made baked potatoes and zucchini.  The steaks were excellent and I was quite full after dinner.  Luke and I sat on the porch with Taylor and watched the sun set.  In the evening we sat around and chatted and just relaxed.  This was my kind of evening.

I can't think of a better birthday than one spent with family and friends.

Summer Vacation - Day 3 - Remember the Alamo

 Izzy, Taylor, Scott & Katie at the Aquarium

Our friends Luke and Laura Shyster (not their real names) are both ex-military which means you can set your watch by them and guarantee that at 5:05 am the coffee is ready.  They enjoyed a pot on the upper deck while sucking in the amazing mountain views.  Coffee sounds good so I fall out of bed.

Breakfast in the mountains is always a treat!  Thick sliced bacon, fresh eggs, hot biscuits and country sausage filled me up.  Katie had milk.  That is about it for her.  Babies have it hard.  The smell of hot coffee up in the mountain air is invigorating.  Throwing a shot of bourbon in it is positively heavenly!

I know my mom thinks I'm an alcoholic because she only sees me on vacations for the most part and I'm always drinking.  The funny thing is that it is the only time I really ever have a drink.  Seems like I should since it is a vacation.  The bottle of rum that I brought with me is from our vacation last year.

Today's adventure will be a hike to Laurel Falls to show Taylor her first waterfall.  This is the most popular hike in the Smokies and has a paved trail so I expected it to be non-eventful.  Luke, Marie and Taylor joined me on the trail.  The humidity was off the scale and the temperature was in the high 80's so it was a bit like walking with twelve wet towels on your head.

The hike started with about fifteen steps and then "are we there yet because my legs are tired."  She changed her tune when she got to the waterfall.  After she slipped on the wet rocks and landed on her booty, we hiked back.  I carried her on my shoulders half of the two mile return to the car.  She sang to me to make me feel better.

The Roaring Fork River is ice cold, clear and fast.  Taylor changed into her swim suit and Luke and I took her down to the rocks.  She loved it!  The water made my feet numb in seconds even though it was now in the 90's.  We waded in the water and through rocks for about an hour.  Taylor is so comfortable in the water that I think she is really half dolphin.  She slipped on a rock and fell face first in the the icy water and came out laughing.  That's my girl!  I like the river, too.

The grandmothers were a bit frazzled when we got back.  Apparently Katie-kins decided to start crying the minute we left.  She cried and complained the whole time.  Lunch was ready when we got there and we all ate hardily of the grilled salmon steaks.

The grannies went to Pidgeon Forge to shop while the Shyster's went to speed around in their convertible hot rod.  We put the kids down for a nap and I made it down to the hot tub.  Since I'm not a big fan of sitting in a hot tub in 90 degree heat I quickly got out and fell on the bed asleep.

Marie and I had a pre-arranged date this evening so the family kindly took care of the children while we went to dinner.  I've never been to the Alamo Steak House  which is supposedly Gatlinburg's best restaurant for five years in a row.  It was at the base of the hill where our cabin was so we decided to have dinner their.

We were greeted by ducks floating on the river.  There was a wait for a table so we went upstairs to the bar and had a Cherokee Indian beverage - the ginnentonka.  They accepted my photograph of my driver's license and served up our drinks.  We chatted some and watch the TV that was located near the bar.  Everything was decorated with wild west motifs and mementos and was as cheesy as a velvet Elvis painting.  In fact the restaurant looked more like an out of business wild west museum than the town's best steak place.

We were seated way in the back by a family with fat children and a table of twelve that were talking drunk-kinda-loud.  Most did not have sleeves...the men I mean.  Sleeves seem to be very optional here.  Mostly for showing off their ink I suppose.

We both agreed that the T-bone, which was a less expensive steak than the rib eyes for some reason, would be our meat of choice.  Marie is still not able to eat milk products due to baby Katie's intolerance of milk protein, so she had rice.  I had the baked potato.  Against my better judgment I ordered the French Onion Soup.  Onion soup is a favorite of mine and I order it often but the BEST onion soup I've ever had is Marie's own recipe.  I've been sadly disappointed by all other onion soups since that first sampling of her soup.  The soup went half eaten.

Marie and I chatted while we ate our salads.  We aren't impressed with Gatlinburg the town.  It is full of local rednecks and even a few imported ones.  Manners are non existent.  Service in Gatlinburg is atrocious.  Almost everyone that works in a store or restaurant is stupid or worse.  Seldom do you get good service.  Our server tonight was better than normal, but still not much better than someone at the Shoney's on the strip.

The steaks were not cooked exactly right but we ate them anyway.  They had a good flavor and the potato was steaming hot as it should be.  I'll not go there again I'm sure but it wasn't all bad.

Marie and I like to spend our moments together talking since Taylor seldom gives us a word in edgewise.  We decided against going to walk around the town and just drove in the mountains.  Later Marie wanted coffee and desert.  Getting a desert for someone who can't eat milk products is like getting good tires at a Firestone dealer.  Almost impossible.

We parked on the north end of town near the hotels and walked to the corner at light number three.  All of the traffic lights are numbered in Gatlinburg so you can find your way back to the cabin when you are toasted.  Just follow the numbers.  I've found them to be VERY handy in the past.

We pushed our way into a closed cafe that sits overlooking light number three and told them we just wanted coffee and desert.  The Rhodes Scholar that waited on us told us they were closed and then took our order.  Hello?   Oh well.  We did find a pie that Marie could eat and we enjoyed our coffee together while watching the Rednecks on Parade outside the huge glass windows.  Women are putting tattoos in the darnedest places these days.

I guess I failed to mention that I do, in fact, have a tattoo.  Guess where I got it?  Gatlinburg Ink, right near the coffee shop where I'm sitting.  I too am a redneck.   Really, I'm a cultured redneck.  That means I have a truck with a wine rack instead of a gun rack.  Give me two Bourbon and cokes and I'll fit right in.

I enjoyed the time with my wife and we walked hand in hand back to the car.  I counted twenty six fake blondes with low-cut t-shirts on the way back to the parking lot.  The crowd is thinning out.  Boobs are getting bigger this year, I think.

Back at the cabin all was quiet.  Luke had already gone to bed and the grannies were winding down.  Laura is counted as a grannie, too.  Marie read her book while I dreamed of bears.

Summer Vacation - Day 2 - Babies and Baby Ducks

 Taylor (5) and Katie (4 months) Ready for Bedtime

Waking up in the cabin is easy.  The sun burns through the un-curtained windows in a bright screaming "get the heck up and go play before it gets too hot" kind of mood.  Marie had piled six pillows on her head in order to get a few more minutes of sleep.  Luckily the baby was still snoozing at 6:42 am.  I poured cold water on her feet.  Mountain water.  Brrrr.

Our first chore was to go to the store.  We made a list and I shoved it in my pocket.  Mimi wanted to lubricate all the squeaky door hinges so we added WD-40 to the list.  I've made millions of cans of WD-40 and it always seems strange to me to buy it.

Marie, Taylor, Izzy and myself went to town while Mimi watched the baby.  We watched the baby ducks in the stream and walked around town a bit.  We took Izzy to the Arrowmont store and looked at the crafts.  Taylor wanted to go home so we left.

Next we all went to the grocery store and bought some necessities and lunch items.   They didn't have a skillet or WD-40, so we had to stop by the Ace Hardware for those items.

After a good lunch of grilled hamburgers I fell asleep.  I don't realize how tired I am until I get to the mountains and then all I want to do is sleep.  With the exception of getting up for water I slept all afternoon.

Luke and Laura Shyster (not their real names) showed up later in the afternoon.  With the exception of a counseling session by a State Trooper, they made the trip in their sports car without issue.  They drove over the river road from Townsend.  Luke needed a beer so we headed back to the store to get some.

Later in the day we got hungry again.  Denette made a fantastic beef stew that caused me to have three helpings.  We finished our meal with a generous helping of Denette's double chocolate fudge birthday cake that she made for me.   Taylor helped me blow out the forty six candles before the smoke alarm activated.  My birthday is not until Saturday, but we wanted to dig into the cake soon so that it would be gone before we left.

The grandma's were a big help in getting the kids to bed.  Taylor insisted on sleeping with Izzy and did so every night.  After they were asleep we opened up the bar.  Fuzzy navels, beer and Bourbon were handed around.  Luke and I sat on the back porch watching other cabin folk in their hot tubs while Denette taught Izzy, Laura and Marie how to play a new card game.  I'm not sure they were having fun because they started communicating with their middle fingers.

I got dizzy and went to bed.

Summer Vacation - Day 1 - A Road Less Unraveled

The Great Smoky Mountains National Park

My nerves are completely unraveled.  This is a great start for a vacation!  I worked today and have already driven across Atlanta twice for two meetings before I left late for home.

I got home and Taylor was sitting in the car already buckled up.

"Sweetie, we still have to finish loading the car."
"It's ok daddy.  I'm ready!"

We've spent several days packing up the SUV.  My wife and I have extensive packing lists so that going on vacation is a breeze.  However, we neglect to actually check off items sometimes like my wallet, which stayed in Georgia for the entire trip.

For the women out there who avidly read my blog you might not understand just how important a man's wallet is to him.  You know it has my driver's license which I need.  It also has debit cards, medical insurance cards and other important documents.  Basically it contains everything you need to survive except the Swiss Army Knife (which I keep in the left rear pocket).  I can't live without my wallet.  Panic came over me.

We were over an hour away from the house and headed toward the mountains when I went to buy my daughter a soda at a gas station while Marie was filling up the baby.  No wallet.  My face went pale.  I started to sweat.  What will I do?  Will I have to go an hour back to the house, then another hour just to get back where I am now?  That is three hours on a four hour trip and I'm not even out of Georgia yet!

Nope.  Marie has a debit card and cash.  I have a photo of my license in the car just in case I get stopped going to the gym.  We'll risk it.  I'll go naked for four days in the hills without my wallet.  More panic.

We're headed to Gatlinburg, Tennessee.  If you have not been there we'll fill you in as we travel.  To put it bluntly it is where rednecks go when their is oil on the beach in Panama City, Florida.  I like to go there because I'm usually the thinnest guy on the street.  You can also spot me because I won't have on a muscle shirt, arm tattoos or a rebel flag on any part of my clothing.

But that is the town.

The real reason to go are the Great Smoky Mountains.  To me this is home away from home.  My family spent their summers there to get away from the Georgia heat.  We've got a huge "cabin" waiting on us there.  It is 4,800 square feet with five bedrooms, six bathrooms and a million couches.  It sleeps 22 adults.  Ok, so we aren't exactly camping out.

I got a deal on the price and since it would cost the same for a three bedroom cabin, we went with the turbo cabin.  Marie and I like to have people go with us on vacation since it is more fun that way and folks can help us watch the baby a little, so we invited the grandmothers and two close friends to join us.

Katie does not like to travel and was quite vocal about it.  My head was pounding from all the screaming and crying.  I would stop and Marie would feed her and she would be happy for a while, but that didn't last much past starting up the car again.  WAAAHHHAHAAAAAA!  I got out the duct tape but Marie said I was not allowed to do that.  Marie was then wearing the duct tape which I am allowed to do in most Southern states.

When we got to the mountains two happy grandmas Mimi (Denette, my mom) and Izzy (Isabelle, Marie's mom) were there to meet us.  Taylor was so excited!  We looked around this huge "cabin" which was much larger than our house and couldn't believe the view.  We'll like it here!

Marie decided that the lower two bedrooms would be better for her in that she could better hear the baby, so we kicked Izzy upstairs.  While unloading my gear I opened up the bathroom closet and there sat an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels Original #7 Old Tyme Sour Mash Sippin' Whiskey.  Wow!  My lucky day!  Someone left it behind!

Marie finally told me that her mom had bought it for a present for me and I was still just as happy.  I'll save it for a special occasion...like Friday!

We washed the children and all went to bed early so that we could make a good start of the next day.