I've taken on a new job in Salt Lake City, Utah and will be relocating my family from Atlanta to the Wasatch Front this month.
That is why I've not posted.
Things are crazy right now, but when they settle down I'll start posting again. Meanwhile, I've got jet lag and am going back to bed.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Plane Old Katie
Our family is relocating to Salt Lake City, Utah. I've been offered a fantastic job and we're going to take it. Today Marie, Katie and Isabel (the grandmother) boarded a plane for Utah.
Taking care of a five month old is tough. Taking care of one at 30,000 feet for four hours is enough to scare the hardiest of folk. But we are prepared! Ok, we weren't.
It started with my alarm clock going off at 4:15 am. Normally this would not scare me to death if it was at 5:30 am. But there is something about the alarm clock going off that early that scares the wits out of me. I jumped up and grabbed a shower hoping that I washed everything. Zzzzzzzz.
We all loaded up in the car and for the most part nothing went wrong. Parking was great. So was ticketing. Then came security and we blazed through it at record time. Jesus was cutting me a break today. Katie got on board the plane and was a doll the whole trip. You can't ask for more. Well, maybe you can. You can ask for all FIVE pieces of luggage that you gave the agent back in Atlanta, instead of just four. At least you can ask for the single most important piece to show up and just lose Daddy's stuff.
DELTA - Delivering Excuses Liberally To All
They lost the infant seat. The infant seat is the baby bucket that you carry the child in and the device that fastens it to the car so that she's not the first thing to fly through the windshield when you crash. It is VERY important, especially when you have a grumpy wife pointing her finger at you and yelling "so just what are we going to do now Mr. world traveler?"
Luckily Budget Rent a Car had one that we could rent for $13 per day. The number 13 is NEVER a good number, so I paid him $14. Marie and I sat on the concrete in the rental care pick up zone and tried to figure out how to work it. Finally we just duct taped Katie to the seat and left it at that.
By this time the mommy was quite hungry (read ANGRY) and was pissing me off so we stopped at Fuddruckers for a designer burger. Two of the three designer burgers went back to the kitchen with a thousand apologies from Senior Manager. Takes a lot to screw up a burger so bad that you send it back.
Did Scott sent his burger back? Well, he should. But the baby had puked on his shirt while on the plane and then grabbed his soda and dumped it on him at the restaurant. I was cold and hungry and just didn't feel like fighting. So I ate probably the worst burger I've ever eaten.
The rest of the day went smooth. We left Izzie with the baby and drove all over Utah. It is a wonderful place and the mountains are fantastic. Marie directed me to neighborhoods and we took in the sites. Neither of us can wait to look at houses tomorrow.
Katie was getting hungry, so we went back to the hotel and fed the baby. I found out that the model train store was only two miles a way and snuck out a window with the van keys. The damage was $55 and I made a new friend of the manager. Nothing like my best buddy Mike, but I'll take what I can get.
It's getting dark and Marie and her mom have left to go get dinner. They'll bring me back something later, so I'll just sit hear and stare at my precious daughter sleeping soundly.
Good night!
Taking care of a five month old is tough. Taking care of one at 30,000 feet for four hours is enough to scare the hardiest of folk. But we are prepared! Ok, we weren't.
It started with my alarm clock going off at 4:15 am. Normally this would not scare me to death if it was at 5:30 am. But there is something about the alarm clock going off that early that scares the wits out of me. I jumped up and grabbed a shower hoping that I washed everything. Zzzzzzzz.
We all loaded up in the car and for the most part nothing went wrong. Parking was great. So was ticketing. Then came security and we blazed through it at record time. Jesus was cutting me a break today. Katie got on board the plane and was a doll the whole trip. You can't ask for more. Well, maybe you can. You can ask for all FIVE pieces of luggage that you gave the agent back in Atlanta, instead of just four. At least you can ask for the single most important piece to show up and just lose Daddy's stuff.
DELTA - Delivering Excuses Liberally To All
They lost the infant seat. The infant seat is the baby bucket that you carry the child in and the device that fastens it to the car so that she's not the first thing to fly through the windshield when you crash. It is VERY important, especially when you have a grumpy wife pointing her finger at you and yelling "so just what are we going to do now Mr. world traveler?"
Luckily Budget Rent a Car had one that we could rent for $13 per day. The number 13 is NEVER a good number, so I paid him $14. Marie and I sat on the concrete in the rental care pick up zone and tried to figure out how to work it. Finally we just duct taped Katie to the seat and left it at that.
By this time the mommy was quite hungry (read ANGRY) and was pissing me off so we stopped at Fuddruckers for a designer burger. Two of the three designer burgers went back to the kitchen with a thousand apologies from Senior Manager. Takes a lot to screw up a burger so bad that you send it back.
Did Scott sent his burger back? Well, he should. But the baby had puked on his shirt while on the plane and then grabbed his soda and dumped it on him at the restaurant. I was cold and hungry and just didn't feel like fighting. So I ate probably the worst burger I've ever eaten.
The rest of the day went smooth. We left Izzie with the baby and drove all over Utah. It is a wonderful place and the mountains are fantastic. Marie directed me to neighborhoods and we took in the sites. Neither of us can wait to look at houses tomorrow.
Katie was getting hungry, so we went back to the hotel and fed the baby. I found out that the model train store was only two miles a way and snuck out a window with the van keys. The damage was $55 and I made a new friend of the manager. Nothing like my best buddy Mike, but I'll take what I can get.
It's getting dark and Marie and her mom have left to go get dinner. They'll bring me back something later, so I'll just sit hear and stare at my precious daughter sleeping soundly.
Good night!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Night of the Zombie Child
The moon is full. Clouds drift over the sky casting eerie shadows. Even the crickets are quite.
This is when Zombies walk the earth.
My daughter is five and still has to wear a pull-up to bed in order to keep her bed dry. We've been trying to help her learn to get up and go to the pottie. The doctor told us that before we go to bed we should wake her up and take her to the pottie. That way she can empty her bladder and get used to getting up on her own. Easier said than done.
I sneak into the room. Taylor is sleeping upside down (head at the foot of the bed) with a blanket around her feet and her stuffed "Horsie" horse-shaped baby blanket on her head. She is out cold.
"Honey, let's wake up. Time to go pottie."
I rub her back gently but get not response.
"T, time to get up."
I remove Horsie from his position on her head. Eyes are closed tight. No movement.
"Cutie, let's get up and go to the pottie."
I tickle her feet. No movement.
I kiss her check. Still, no movement.
"Taylor-pie...time to potty!"
Gently I move her around on the bed.
ZOMBIE EYES!
Her eyes are large and glassy! Fixed in position. There is no happy child smile on her face! She is a zombie.
I pick her up and she is functional enough to drop her landing gear and stand up on the carpet.
"Let's go to the potty."
Zombie turns around and crawls back into bed.
"No, lets go to the pottie sweetie..."
I pick her up again and put her on the floor. Gently I take her hand and lead her into the hall. She turns and moves toward the office.
"Taylor, let's go this way to the bathroom."
We march toward the bathroom. Her Zombie eyes see the baby's room and she redirects herself to the door to Katie's room.
"No Sweetheart, its this way."
Meanwhile the mommy has gotten out the I-phone and has started a video so that we can show Taylor her sleepwalking.
Taylor changes course, passes by the bathroom which has its bright light on and walks to our bedroom. I just let her go. She climbs up into the bed, puts her head on the pillow and is asleep again.
"Honey...no, we need you to go to the pottie."
I pick her up and put her legs on the ground, but Zombies are stubborn if you happen to know anything about Zombies. I've dated a few in my past so I'm an expert.
The Zombie moved toward the door, turned 180 degrees and moved for the bed again.
"No, no cutie...this way" and I gently pick her up again.
Finally the Zombie child makes it to the potty. She stands there for a minute, turns around and climbs onto the pottie backwards facing the tank. She still has her pajamas on.
"Mommy, go help the Zombie."
After a few minutes we finally make pee pees and head back to bed. I put her back in bed the right way with her head on the pillow. Ever so carefully I put Horsie back on her head and cover her with a sheet and blanket.
The mommy and I agree that this is not the right way to potty train a Zombie.
This is when Zombies walk the earth.
My daughter is five and still has to wear a pull-up to bed in order to keep her bed dry. We've been trying to help her learn to get up and go to the pottie. The doctor told us that before we go to bed we should wake her up and take her to the pottie. That way she can empty her bladder and get used to getting up on her own. Easier said than done.
I sneak into the room. Taylor is sleeping upside down (head at the foot of the bed) with a blanket around her feet and her stuffed "Horsie" horse-shaped baby blanket on her head. She is out cold.
"Honey, let's wake up. Time to go pottie."
I rub her back gently but get not response.
"T, time to get up."
I remove Horsie from his position on her head. Eyes are closed tight. No movement.
"Cutie, let's get up and go to the pottie."
I tickle her feet. No movement.
I kiss her check. Still, no movement.
"Taylor-pie...time to potty!"
Gently I move her around on the bed.
ZOMBIE EYES!
Her eyes are large and glassy! Fixed in position. There is no happy child smile on her face! She is a zombie.
I pick her up and she is functional enough to drop her landing gear and stand up on the carpet.
"Let's go to the potty."
Zombie turns around and crawls back into bed.
"No, lets go to the pottie sweetie..."
I pick her up again and put her on the floor. Gently I take her hand and lead her into the hall. She turns and moves toward the office.
"Taylor, let's go this way to the bathroom."
We march toward the bathroom. Her Zombie eyes see the baby's room and she redirects herself to the door to Katie's room.
"No Sweetheart, its this way."
Meanwhile the mommy has gotten out the I-phone and has started a video so that we can show Taylor her sleepwalking.
Taylor changes course, passes by the bathroom which has its bright light on and walks to our bedroom. I just let her go. She climbs up into the bed, puts her head on the pillow and is asleep again.
"Honey...no, we need you to go to the pottie."
I pick her up and put her legs on the ground, but Zombies are stubborn if you happen to know anything about Zombies. I've dated a few in my past so I'm an expert.
The Zombie moved toward the door, turned 180 degrees and moved for the bed again.
"No, no cutie...this way" and I gently pick her up again.
Finally the Zombie child makes it to the potty. She stands there for a minute, turns around and climbs onto the pottie backwards facing the tank. She still has her pajamas on.
"Mommy, go help the Zombie."
After a few minutes we finally make pee pees and head back to bed. I put her back in bed the right way with her head on the pillow. Ever so carefully I put Horsie back on her head and cover her with a sheet and blanket.
The mommy and I agree that this is not the right way to potty train a Zombie.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Summer Vacation - Day 5 - She'll Be Coming Down the Mountain
The View from the Cabin
It is sad to leave the cabin. Both Marie and I want another day. I got up early and tried to pack all the heavy stuff while Marie attended the children. Our plan was to all go out for breakfast but everyone got packed before we did and wanted to get on the road.
We ate pancakes at the Little Pancake House and then went to feed the ducks. Katie was quiet, so we hit the road.
The drive over the mountain is spectacular and we stopped to see the scenery a few times. The stops were few and mainly just to feed or take care of Katie. Taylor watched movies the whole time.
The rain met us in Georgia and followed us home. Winston the dog rejoined the family as he was visiting the neighbors all weekend. After what seemed liked hours of unloading and putting away the children are in bed and Mommy and I are exhausted.
It was a good trip.
Summer Vacation - Day 4 - Look For the Bear Necessities
An Old Mountain Black Bear
Happy Birthday to Me! I'm 46 years old today. After hiking yesterday I feel like 56. The last time I did the Laurel Falls trail I hiked it starting from Ski Mountain, which makes it 13 miles with most of it up hill except for the last two going from the falls to the road. I did it with a 22 pound back pack and wasn't even tired. I've got to go to the gym.
My daughter jumped up into my lap proudly waving a birthday card with DADDY on the envelope, carefully written in her own scribble. She was so happy! Her hug and watching her blow out my candles was the best birthday present every.
My wife gave me a card that, like always, insinuated getting sex, yet wound up promising that for the next 24 hours that I could be right. I bet her the $100 that my mother gave me in her card that she wouldn't honor it. As predicted, she was telling me that I was wrong in less than five hours. Would have rather had the sex, frankly. I didn't even get the extra $100.
Luke and Laura gave me a fantastic present! They will baby sit for us while Marie and I go out. What a great gift! Marie loves to go to movies and so do I so we'll use this one up soon. I also get to go over and pick out a train item from Luke's basement which will be great fun. I wonder if it is too early to start drinking Izzy's present?
We left after a light breakfast to go to town. We are going to see Ripley's Aquarium. It is a very nice aquarium and frankly I think it is better than the one in Atlanta. Mimi and Izzy drove together and showed us where to park. We packed up the baby in the stroller and made sure Taylor looked both ways before crossing the busy street.
Little Katie demanded to be held upright so that she could see all the fish and she was fascinated with them. Taylor zoomed from exhibit to exhibit and back again. The grandmothers and Marie tried their best to keep an eye on Taylor while I toted the baby.
When we were done we realized that it was pouring down rain outside. Mimi got a poncho in the gift shop and we both ran to the cars. While soaking I sat in the steamy car and waited my turn to exit. We picked up the rest of the family on the street and drove to Bennett's Bar-B-Q on the south end of town. Marie and I spent a lot of time their when we first met on just such a rainy day over seven years ago.
Since the rain was plentiful we decided to go back to the cabin and take naps. Instead Laura started teaching Taylor how to play pool on the fancy pool table down stairs. Luke and I played a few games and then Marie joined us for doubles. While playing someone shouted "Bear! I see a bear!" The whole cabin emptied out to the front window. I grabbed my camera and took several shots but the cold camera (from the air conditioning) hit the moist air and fogged up the lens. The photo above is Izzy's.
After having a few drinks and enjoying the view I told the family that I didn't really want to drive back to town to go to Calhoun's for a birthday dinner. It would be a very late night and not good for the children. I suggested that we go to the store and buy rib eye steaks and cook at home. The vote was unanimous.
Katie likes to giggle so we all took turns making her laugh. It is so contagious that the whole room will wind up laughing.
Later, Luke and I grilled the steaks while the grandma's made baked potatoes and zucchini. The steaks were excellent and I was quite full after dinner. Luke and I sat on the porch with Taylor and watched the sun set. In the evening we sat around and chatted and just relaxed. This was my kind of evening.
I can't think of a better birthday than one spent with family and friends.
Summer Vacation - Day 3 - Remember the Alamo
Izzy, Taylor, Scott & Katie at the Aquarium
Our friends Luke and Laura Shyster (not their real names) are both ex-military which means you can set your watch by them and guarantee that at 5:05 am the coffee is ready. They enjoyed a pot on the upper deck while sucking in the amazing mountain views. Coffee sounds good so I fall out of bed.
Breakfast in the mountains is always a treat! Thick sliced bacon, fresh eggs, hot biscuits and country sausage filled me up. Katie had milk. That is about it for her. Babies have it hard. The smell of hot coffee up in the mountain air is invigorating. Throwing a shot of bourbon in it is positively heavenly!
I know my mom thinks I'm an alcoholic because she only sees me on vacations for the most part and I'm always drinking. The funny thing is that it is the only time I really ever have a drink. Seems like I should since it is a vacation. The bottle of rum that I brought with me is from our vacation last year.
Today's adventure will be a hike to Laurel Falls to show Taylor her first waterfall. This is the most popular hike in the Smokies and has a paved trail so I expected it to be non-eventful. Luke, Marie and Taylor joined me on the trail. The humidity was off the scale and the temperature was in the high 80's so it was a bit like walking with twelve wet towels on your head.
The hike started with about fifteen steps and then "are we there yet because my legs are tired." She changed her tune when she got to the waterfall. After she slipped on the wet rocks and landed on her booty, we hiked back. I carried her on my shoulders half of the two mile return to the car. She sang to me to make me feel better.
The Roaring Fork River is ice cold, clear and fast. Taylor changed into her swim suit and Luke and I took her down to the rocks. She loved it! The water made my feet numb in seconds even though it was now in the 90's. We waded in the water and through rocks for about an hour. Taylor is so comfortable in the water that I think she is really half dolphin. She slipped on a rock and fell face first in the the icy water and came out laughing. That's my girl! I like the river, too.
The grandmothers were a bit frazzled when we got back. Apparently Katie-kins decided to start crying the minute we left. She cried and complained the whole time. Lunch was ready when we got there and we all ate hardily of the grilled salmon steaks.
The grannies went to Pidgeon Forge to shop while the Shyster's went to speed around in their convertible hot rod. We put the kids down for a nap and I made it down to the hot tub. Since I'm not a big fan of sitting in a hot tub in 90 degree heat I quickly got out and fell on the bed asleep.
Marie and I had a pre-arranged date this evening so the family kindly took care of the children while we went to dinner. I've never been to the Alamo Steak House which is supposedly Gatlinburg's best restaurant for five years in a row. It was at the base of the hill where our cabin was so we decided to have dinner their.
We were greeted by ducks floating on the river. There was a wait for a table so we went upstairs to the bar and had a Cherokee Indian beverage - the ginnentonka. They accepted my photograph of my driver's license and served up our drinks. We chatted some and watch the TV that was located near the bar. Everything was decorated with wild west motifs and mementos and was as cheesy as a velvet Elvis painting. In fact the restaurant looked more like an out of business wild west museum than the town's best steak place.
We were seated way in the back by a family with fat children and a table of twelve that were talking drunk-kinda-loud. Most did not have sleeves...the men I mean. Sleeves seem to be very optional here. Mostly for showing off their ink I suppose.
We both agreed that the T-bone, which was a less expensive steak than the rib eyes for some reason, would be our meat of choice. Marie is still not able to eat milk products due to baby Katie's intolerance of milk protein, so she had rice. I had the baked potato. Against my better judgment I ordered the French Onion Soup. Onion soup is a favorite of mine and I order it often but the BEST onion soup I've ever had is Marie's own recipe. I've been sadly disappointed by all other onion soups since that first sampling of her soup. The soup went half eaten.
Marie and I chatted while we ate our salads. We aren't impressed with Gatlinburg the town. It is full of local rednecks and even a few imported ones. Manners are non existent. Service in Gatlinburg is atrocious. Almost everyone that works in a store or restaurant is stupid or worse. Seldom do you get good service. Our server tonight was better than normal, but still not much better than someone at the Shoney's on the strip.
The steaks were not cooked exactly right but we ate them anyway. They had a good flavor and the potato was steaming hot as it should be. I'll not go there again I'm sure but it wasn't all bad.
Marie and I like to spend our moments together talking since Taylor seldom gives us a word in edgewise. We decided against going to walk around the town and just drove in the mountains. Later Marie wanted coffee and desert. Getting a desert for someone who can't eat milk products is like getting good tires at a Firestone dealer. Almost impossible.
We parked on the north end of town near the hotels and walked to the corner at light number three. All of the traffic lights are numbered in Gatlinburg so you can find your way back to the cabin when you are toasted. Just follow the numbers. I've found them to be VERY handy in the past.
We pushed our way into a closed cafe that sits overlooking light number three and told them we just wanted coffee and desert. The Rhodes Scholar that waited on us told us they were closed and then took our order. Hello? Oh well. We did find a pie that Marie could eat and we enjoyed our coffee together while watching the Rednecks on Parade outside the huge glass windows. Women are putting tattoos in the darnedest places these days.
I guess I failed to mention that I do, in fact, have a tattoo. Guess where I got it? Gatlinburg Ink, right near the coffee shop where I'm sitting. I too am a redneck. Really, I'm a cultured redneck. That means I have a truck with a wine rack instead of a gun rack. Give me two Bourbon and cokes and I'll fit right in.
I enjoyed the time with my wife and we walked hand in hand back to the car. I counted twenty six fake blondes with low-cut t-shirts on the way back to the parking lot. The crowd is thinning out. Boobs are getting bigger this year, I think.
Back at the cabin all was quiet. Luke had already gone to bed and the grannies were winding down. Laura is counted as a grannie, too. Marie read her book while I dreamed of bears.
Summer Vacation - Day 2 - Babies and Baby Ducks
Taylor (5) and Katie (4 months) Ready for Bedtime
Waking up in the cabin is easy. The sun burns through the un-curtained windows in a bright screaming "get the heck up and go play before it gets too hot" kind of mood. Marie had piled six pillows on her head in order to get a few more minutes of sleep. Luckily the baby was still snoozing at 6:42 am. I poured cold water on her feet. Mountain water. Brrrr.
Our first chore was to go to the store. We made a list and I shoved it in my pocket. Mimi wanted to lubricate all the squeaky door hinges so we added WD-40 to the list. I've made millions of cans of WD-40 and it always seems strange to me to buy it.
Marie, Taylor, Izzy and myself went to town while Mimi watched the baby. We watched the baby ducks in the stream and walked around town a bit. We took Izzy to the Arrowmont store and looked at the crafts. Taylor wanted to go home so we left.
Next we all went to the grocery store and bought some necessities and lunch items. They didn't have a skillet or WD-40, so we had to stop by the Ace Hardware for those items.
After a good lunch of grilled hamburgers I fell asleep. I don't realize how tired I am until I get to the mountains and then all I want to do is sleep. With the exception of getting up for water I slept all afternoon.
Luke and Laura Shyster (not their real names) showed up later in the afternoon. With the exception of a counseling session by a State Trooper, they made the trip in their sports car without issue. They drove over the river road from Townsend. Luke needed a beer so we headed back to the store to get some.
Later in the day we got hungry again. Denette made a fantastic beef stew that caused me to have three helpings. We finished our meal with a generous helping of Denette's double chocolate fudge birthday cake that she made for me. Taylor helped me blow out the forty six candles before the smoke alarm activated. My birthday is not until Saturday, but we wanted to dig into the cake soon so that it would be gone before we left.
The grandma's were a big help in getting the kids to bed. Taylor insisted on sleeping with Izzy and did so every night. After they were asleep we opened up the bar. Fuzzy navels, beer and Bourbon were handed around. Luke and I sat on the back porch watching other cabin folk in their hot tubs while Denette taught Izzy, Laura and Marie how to play a new card game. I'm not sure they were having fun because they started communicating with their middle fingers.
I got dizzy and went to bed.
Summer Vacation - Day 1 - A Road Less Unraveled
The Great Smoky Mountains National Park
My nerves are completely unraveled. This is a great start for a vacation! I worked today and have already driven across Atlanta twice for two meetings before I left late for home.
I got home and Taylor was sitting in the car already buckled up.
"Sweetie, we still have to finish loading the car."
"It's ok daddy. I'm ready!"
We've spent several days packing up the SUV. My wife and I have extensive packing lists so that going on vacation is a breeze. However, we neglect to actually check off items sometimes like my wallet, which stayed in Georgia for the entire trip.
For the women out there who avidly read my blog you might not understand just how important a man's wallet is to him. You know it has my driver's license which I need. It also has debit cards, medical insurance cards and other important documents. Basically it contains everything you need to survive except the Swiss Army Knife (which I keep in the left rear pocket). I can't live without my wallet. Panic came over me.
We were over an hour away from the house and headed toward the mountains when I went to buy my daughter a soda at a gas station while Marie was filling up the baby. No wallet. My face went pale. I started to sweat. What will I do? Will I have to go an hour back to the house, then another hour just to get back where I am now? That is three hours on a four hour trip and I'm not even out of Georgia yet!
Nope. Marie has a debit card and cash. I have a photo of my license in the car just in case I get stopped going to the gym. We'll risk it. I'll go naked for four days in the hills without my wallet. More panic.
We're headed to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. If you have not been there we'll fill you in as we travel. To put it bluntly it is where rednecks go when their is oil on the beach in Panama City, Florida. I like to go there because I'm usually the thinnest guy on the street. You can also spot me because I won't have on a muscle shirt, arm tattoos or a rebel flag on any part of my clothing.
But that is the town.
The real reason to go are the Great Smoky Mountains. To me this is home away from home. My family spent their summers there to get away from the Georgia heat. We've got a huge "cabin" waiting on us there. It is 4,800 square feet with five bedrooms, six bathrooms and a million couches. It sleeps 22 adults. Ok, so we aren't exactly camping out.
I got a deal on the price and since it would cost the same for a three bedroom cabin, we went with the turbo cabin. Marie and I like to have people go with us on vacation since it is more fun that way and folks can help us watch the baby a little, so we invited the grandmothers and two close friends to join us.
Katie does not like to travel and was quite vocal about it. My head was pounding from all the screaming and crying. I would stop and Marie would feed her and she would be happy for a while, but that didn't last much past starting up the car again. WAAAHHHAHAAAAAA! I got out the duct tape but Marie said I was not allowed to do that. Marie was then wearing the duct tape which I am allowed to do in most Southern states.
When we got to the mountains two happy grandmas Mimi (Denette, my mom) and Izzy (Isabelle, Marie's mom) were there to meet us. Taylor was so excited! We looked around this huge "cabin" which was much larger than our house and couldn't believe the view. We'll like it here!
Marie decided that the lower two bedrooms would be better for her in that she could better hear the baby, so we kicked Izzy upstairs. While unloading my gear I opened up the bathroom closet and there sat an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels Original #7 Old Tyme Sour Mash Sippin' Whiskey. Wow! My lucky day! Someone left it behind!
Marie finally told me that her mom had bought it for a present for me and I was still just as happy. I'll save it for a special occasion...like Friday!
We washed the children and all went to bed early so that we could make a good start of the next day.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Bad Case O' Southern
Every now and then I gets me a bad case o' Southern. It starts out with a little rain, like right now. A stormin' but not a blowin'. Just enough that you can sit out on the front porch without getting wet. When its hotter than a June Bug's ass outside, a little rain makes for a nice coolin' spell.
A good bottle of sour mash whiskey then adds to the evening, drenched with a little Co-cola from a glass bottle. Ice. Lots of ice. I'll stop by the kitchen and make a peanut butter and banana sandwich on the way out the front door. The wife motions for me to grab the gin bottle and the good crystal.
I pull out two chairs and place them close to the brick steps but just out of the trickle of rain that is still falling. Our old dog takes his place between us and sets a spell. The dusk falls to night and the neighbor's porch light is all I can see besides the ever present lightin' bugs.
Its cool out now and my wife swings her bare feet to the music coming from her I-phone. She don't say much. Just a soft smile and her big brown eyes.
The babies are asleep...
So is the dog.
I'm drifting in and out of dreams.
Life's good with a good wife.
A good bottle of sour mash whiskey then adds to the evening, drenched with a little Co-cola from a glass bottle. Ice. Lots of ice. I'll stop by the kitchen and make a peanut butter and banana sandwich on the way out the front door. The wife motions for me to grab the gin bottle and the good crystal.
I pull out two chairs and place them close to the brick steps but just out of the trickle of rain that is still falling. Our old dog takes his place between us and sets a spell. The dusk falls to night and the neighbor's porch light is all I can see besides the ever present lightin' bugs.
Its cool out now and my wife swings her bare feet to the music coming from her I-phone. She don't say much. Just a soft smile and her big brown eyes.
The babies are asleep...
So is the dog.
I'm drifting in and out of dreams.
Life's good with a good wife.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Hot
Damn its hot. The heat index is 110 degrees today in Atlanta. The pool water is so warm that you can't stay in more than about 20 minutes. The concrete will bake your feet.
What do you do with an infant when it is scorching outside?
Nothing. You stay trapped inside hoping the air conditioner doesn't play out.
My five year old is going crazy. We tried to go get something to eat this afternoon but the car's air conditioner just wouldn't get it cool enough to stand driving. The metal on the roof of the car is too hot to touch.
There is a rumor that it might rain today, but there are no clouds in the sky. Yesterday it sprinkled for a while and my daughter and I danced in the rain in the front yard. It felt good and the clean air filled our lungs.
Poor baby. We'll just keep her inside.
What do you do with an infant when it is scorching outside?
Nothing. You stay trapped inside hoping the air conditioner doesn't play out.
My five year old is going crazy. We tried to go get something to eat this afternoon but the car's air conditioner just wouldn't get it cool enough to stand driving. The metal on the roof of the car is too hot to touch.
There is a rumor that it might rain today, but there are no clouds in the sky. Yesterday it sprinkled for a while and my daughter and I danced in the rain in the front yard. It felt good and the clean air filled our lungs.
Poor baby. We'll just keep her inside.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Late Night Sing-a-long
It was late when I got home tonight. That's happened a lot lately. I arrived just in time to put the children to bed. They were both washed and clean, smelling of flowers and strawberries. Both dressed in pink pajamas they each took their place on my lap, close together.
We sang songs. Taylor more than the baby...but she helped us by laughing. We sang about twinkling stars, magic dragons and cowboys. Cowboys was my idea. We did the Hokey Pokey with me holding the baby's arms and legs. What fun!
Marie put the baby down and I read books to Taylor. We love Fancy Nancy and a book about animals in the spring time. Grandfather Twilight will have to wait until tomorrow since it is late. That book is starting to show some wear. It is now committed to my memory but we must still see the pictures.
Together we talked about going to the mountains and how we might see a bear. We like bears. Many of our books are about forest animals like alligators and squirrels. We love alligators! It is fun to see the animals that we read about.
Taylor likes to jump on my head after books and we wrestle to the floor. A quick tuck and twenty kisses and she is asleep. Yet, I see her peak at me with her large green eyes as I close the door and say goodnight.
She'll sleep good...
Daddy will too.
We sang songs. Taylor more than the baby...but she helped us by laughing. We sang about twinkling stars, magic dragons and cowboys. Cowboys was my idea. We did the Hokey Pokey with me holding the baby's arms and legs. What fun!
Marie put the baby down and I read books to Taylor. We love Fancy Nancy and a book about animals in the spring time. Grandfather Twilight will have to wait until tomorrow since it is late. That book is starting to show some wear. It is now committed to my memory but we must still see the pictures.
Together we talked about going to the mountains and how we might see a bear. We like bears. Many of our books are about forest animals like alligators and squirrels. We love alligators! It is fun to see the animals that we read about.
Taylor likes to jump on my head after books and we wrestle to the floor. A quick tuck and twenty kisses and she is asleep. Yet, I see her peak at me with her large green eyes as I close the door and say goodnight.
She'll sleep good...
Daddy will too.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Raspberries
"What is that sound?"
"Don't know...where is it coming from, honey?"
"I think its in the baby's room."
"She's asleep...I just fed her and she was sound snoozing!"
"I better check..."
The great joy that I have with my children is watching them learn. My oldest cried at her first swim meet. She fell off her scooter six times in one day. She forgets the word "the" when she reads. But when she perfects a skill or learns something new the joy and happiness she shows will light up the room.
Baby Katie is learning, too!
Today, we are blowing raspberries.
Now for those of you that don't know what a raspberry is I'll walk you through it. Put your lips together and then let your tongue protrude between them. Then blow air past your tongue and lips to make a loud, wet, buzzing sound as your tongue flops around like a dead squid. That's a raspberry.
Katie is in her room practicing her new found skill. She is quite diligent and has been going "ppllllbbbbsssttttt!" for an hour know. I saw the look of determination in her little face. This is serious business, the blowing of raspberries. The crib is now showered with slobber.
Oh, I can't wait for church on Sunday!
"Don't know...where is it coming from, honey?"
"I think its in the baby's room."
"She's asleep...I just fed her and she was sound snoozing!"
"I better check..."
The great joy that I have with my children is watching them learn. My oldest cried at her first swim meet. She fell off her scooter six times in one day. She forgets the word "the" when she reads. But when she perfects a skill or learns something new the joy and happiness she shows will light up the room.
Baby Katie is learning, too!
Today, we are blowing raspberries.
Now for those of you that don't know what a raspberry is I'll walk you through it. Put your lips together and then let your tongue protrude between them. Then blow air past your tongue and lips to make a loud, wet, buzzing sound as your tongue flops around like a dead squid. That's a raspberry.
Katie is in her room practicing her new found skill. She is quite diligent and has been going "ppllllbbbbsssttttt!" for an hour know. I saw the look of determination in her little face. This is serious business, the blowing of raspberries. The crib is now showered with slobber.
Oh, I can't wait for church on Sunday!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Shaking Baby Syndrome
I first heard about shaken baby syndrome when we had our first child. We went to a course on baby care at the hospital and the old nurse that was teaching the class told us about it. She said that a common way of death for infants was called shaken baby syndrome and it is caused by the parents violently shaking the baby. Almost half of all abused children die this way and usually from 60% male parents.
"Like making a Martinin? That kind of shaking?"
"Shut up Mr. Perry, this is serious."
"Yeah right, like this might have happened once, and for a parent on Cocaine or something?"
"An estimated 1,600 children a year in the US die from this!"
"No way! How barbaric! This can't possible be happening that frequently!"
I laughed at the old lady on the way out of the hospital. They are always telling you about these rare, oddball instances that happen, like babies drowning in a bucket.
The past two nights I've been up with Katie. She cries. She cries some more. I can't settle her down. Hours go by so slowly. No sleep. She settles and I turn off the light and lay down to sleep and she wakes up again. On and on, over and over, 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am. She throws up on me. I change her clothes time after time after time. The monotony.
Yes, shaking baby syndrome is serious. I can so see how it happens. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and would never intentionally harm her. I'm so sorry that she feels so bad. But the frustration, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep just build up and irritate you more and more. The headaches. The backaches. All I want to do is to make it QUIET! QUIET! QUIET!
I can see how it can happen. Other men that I know have experienced the same thing. You just want the baby to shut the hell up at any cost.
God protect my baby. Make her sleep.
"Like making a Martinin? That kind of shaking?"
"Shut up Mr. Perry, this is serious."
"Yeah right, like this might have happened once, and for a parent on Cocaine or something?"
"An estimated 1,600 children a year in the US die from this!"
"No way! How barbaric! This can't possible be happening that frequently!"
I laughed at the old lady on the way out of the hospital. They are always telling you about these rare, oddball instances that happen, like babies drowning in a bucket.
The past two nights I've been up with Katie. She cries. She cries some more. I can't settle her down. Hours go by so slowly. No sleep. She settles and I turn off the light and lay down to sleep and she wakes up again. On and on, over and over, 1:00 am, 2:00 am, 3:00 am. She throws up on me. I change her clothes time after time after time. The monotony.
Yes, shaking baby syndrome is serious. I can so see how it happens. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and would never intentionally harm her. I'm so sorry that she feels so bad. But the frustration, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep just build up and irritate you more and more. The headaches. The backaches. All I want to do is to make it QUIET! QUIET! QUIET!
I can see how it can happen. Other men that I know have experienced the same thing. You just want the baby to shut the hell up at any cost.
God protect my baby. Make her sleep.
Butt Massage
"You want me to do WHAT?"
"Massage her anus."
"Are you out of your ever lovin' mind?"
"No, that is what the doctor said to do and it works."
It appears that the baby has inherited my wife's uptight-ness. Little Katie has trouble pooping. From what I can tell, talking in man-terms, her release valve and pressure system are not working in tandem.
Picture this...
You have a moonshine still. You heat the squeezin's up and it vaporizes the alcohol. The alcohol vapor moves through the copper tubing and gradually builds up pressure. Luke is supposed to go to the thump barrel and turn the tap while he catches the shine in a mason jar. But what if old Luke has to go into town for supplies, or has been sippin' on the last batch and doesn't turn the valve? The pressure from the increasing amount of alcohol in the pipe continues to grow in pressure. Soon, very soon the top of the mountain blows off the map.
Ok, maybe that is a bad explanation.
Either way, as you build up a supply of poopies and continue to put pressure on your valve, you'll soon need to relieve the pressure or burst the baby. So the doctor has us remove her diaper and rub her little tushie with a warm rag to help her relax.
So I take off Katie's diaper and she immediately begins to grunt. And grunt. And GRUNT! The pressure continues to build. And build. And BUILD! I rub and rub and rub.
BANG! SPEW!
A snot green line of crap shoots out of baby Katie, across the changing table, over the carpet and directly into the doorway about three feet away. And it spews. And spews. And SPEWS!
Baby Katie smiles. She has relief.
Daddy grabs the carpet cleaner. Its going to be a long night.
"Massage her anus."
"Are you out of your ever lovin' mind?"
"No, that is what the doctor said to do and it works."
It appears that the baby has inherited my wife's uptight-ness. Little Katie has trouble pooping. From what I can tell, talking in man-terms, her release valve and pressure system are not working in tandem.
Picture this...
You have a moonshine still. You heat the squeezin's up and it vaporizes the alcohol. The alcohol vapor moves through the copper tubing and gradually builds up pressure. Luke is supposed to go to the thump barrel and turn the tap while he catches the shine in a mason jar. But what if old Luke has to go into town for supplies, or has been sippin' on the last batch and doesn't turn the valve? The pressure from the increasing amount of alcohol in the pipe continues to grow in pressure. Soon, very soon the top of the mountain blows off the map.
Ok, maybe that is a bad explanation.
Either way, as you build up a supply of poopies and continue to put pressure on your valve, you'll soon need to relieve the pressure or burst the baby. So the doctor has us remove her diaper and rub her little tushie with a warm rag to help her relax.
So I take off Katie's diaper and she immediately begins to grunt. And grunt. And GRUNT! The pressure continues to build. And build. And BUILD! I rub and rub and rub.
BANG! SPEW!
A snot green line of crap shoots out of baby Katie, across the changing table, over the carpet and directly into the doorway about three feet away. And it spews. And spews. And SPEWS!
Baby Katie smiles. She has relief.
Daddy grabs the carpet cleaner. Its going to be a long night.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Old Faithful
Hi friends! I guess you thought I died. Close to it, we had a baby.
Sorry for not posting but little Katie has been having a hard time with reflux. Just like our Taylor did when she was little. We have her on a second round of stomach medicine, a specially formulate (hand compounded by a pharmacist) and hoping she will get some sleep. She cries most of the time.
Poor Marie has had hardly any sleep and I feel very sorry for her. Luckily her friends have been bringing meals and will stop and visit her every day so she does get some company.
In the mean time Katie drinks as much milk as she can so that her stomach doesn't hurt. Usually too much. Then it comes right back up. Just like Old Faithful, the geyser. I'm tired of changing shirts.
So much has gone on. Tons of doctor visits.
I'll try to catch up more this weekend, but in the mean time, pray for little Katie to get better.
Sorry for not posting but little Katie has been having a hard time with reflux. Just like our Taylor did when she was little. We have her on a second round of stomach medicine, a specially formulate (hand compounded by a pharmacist) and hoping she will get some sleep. She cries most of the time.
Poor Marie has had hardly any sleep and I feel very sorry for her. Luckily her friends have been bringing meals and will stop and visit her every day so she does get some company.
In the mean time Katie drinks as much milk as she can so that her stomach doesn't hurt. Usually too much. Then it comes right back up. Just like Old Faithful, the geyser. I'm tired of changing shirts.
So much has gone on. Tons of doctor visits.
I'll try to catch up more this weekend, but in the mean time, pray for little Katie to get better.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Birth: Part 2
After waiting for almost an hour while they gave my wife and epidural they finally came and got me. I went through an area that looked like a janitor's closet and into the operating room. Dr. Harris was cracking jokes while I marveled at the technology. The room was full of computerized gadgets. When I made mention of them the doctor laughed and said they just keep them here to impress customers.
I sat down by my wife and stroked her dark brown hair. She looked very scared and her arms were stretched out both ways. Marie said she felt no pain, which was good. There was a large blue drape that separated us from the actual surgery. It happened very quickly.
Once they removed the baby they held it up over the drape for Marie to see. The new child burst into a scream when she laid eyes on mommy which caused the whole room to break out into laughter. This time I didn't get to cut the cord or hold the baby. Little Katie was whisked off to the side of the room where the baby station was located.
Two young female nurses went to work on the baby right away. They cleaned her, weighed her and asked for the time of birth which was 1:45 am. I got up from my seat after kissing my wife and went to count fingers and toes. She was beautiful!
Katie was smaller than Taylor, coming in at 6 lbs 9 oz as compared to Taylor at 6 lbs 14 oz. But Katie was different. She was very quiet. Her cries were so dainty and soft! Not like Taylor who even woke up people in the waiting room. She was very pretty with little of the mess that is normally associated with birth. Her head was perfectly shaped.
The nurses took the baby and told me that I needed to go with them. I again went and touched Marie (there was no way to hug or hold her) and left with the two ladies. In the baby area they told me that I could remove the hot and sweaty scrubs. This room was very warm (for the new baby) and had three nurses.
The nurses set about cataloging my daughter like a science experiment. Really, they treated her like a lab specimen. The cold and uncaring way that they handled her kind of worried me, but they made it seem so normal that I didn't crack any of their heads open. They pricked her foot and made her bleed. This doesn't seem like much, but they poke her with the same size pin that they would poke me with, so if I scaled it down it would be like a 10 penny nail going into my foot.
Then they gave her an injection. Well, not right away because the nurse dropped the first B-12 shot and broke the needle so we had to go get another one. Then we measured her at 19 inches long. After that they started running a countdown of dimensions and checks, all of which showed that Katie was a good fish that could be mounted on the wall instead of being thrown back. One check didn't fair so well and that was blood sugar. It seemed to be a little low so the nurse gave Katie a small meal of Infamil baby food.
The tiniest nurse and I went into another room and gave Katie her first bath. She protested much. Now she is all clean and ready for her mommy. Where is mommy?
It took another 45 minutes for mommy to come out of the operating room. I'm glad it did because Dr. Harris did a great job with the stitches. She was woozy but ready to see her pretty little child. We rolled her into the recovery room and I waited until they had her hooked up and under a heat lamp. She looked like french fries at Mcdonald's.
We reunited the baby with her mother. Mommy was tired and drugged but wanted to feed her baby as soon as possible. I was tired but happy and did what I could to make Marie comfortable. She was so tired she could barely hold the baby. We put her in a small rolling crib.
About 3:00 am a nurse brought me a Coca Cola which was the best beverage I've ever had. It perked me back up and gave me the energy to help Marie to her room. Another nurse pushed the baby and I carried the bags. How Marie was still awake was beyond understanding.
...continued.
I sat down by my wife and stroked her dark brown hair. She looked very scared and her arms were stretched out both ways. Marie said she felt no pain, which was good. There was a large blue drape that separated us from the actual surgery. It happened very quickly.
Once they removed the baby they held it up over the drape for Marie to see. The new child burst into a scream when she laid eyes on mommy which caused the whole room to break out into laughter. This time I didn't get to cut the cord or hold the baby. Little Katie was whisked off to the side of the room where the baby station was located.
Two young female nurses went to work on the baby right away. They cleaned her, weighed her and asked for the time of birth which was 1:45 am. I got up from my seat after kissing my wife and went to count fingers and toes. She was beautiful!
Katie was smaller than Taylor, coming in at 6 lbs 9 oz as compared to Taylor at 6 lbs 14 oz. But Katie was different. She was very quiet. Her cries were so dainty and soft! Not like Taylor who even woke up people in the waiting room. She was very pretty with little of the mess that is normally associated with birth. Her head was perfectly shaped.
The nurses took the baby and told me that I needed to go with them. I again went and touched Marie (there was no way to hug or hold her) and left with the two ladies. In the baby area they told me that I could remove the hot and sweaty scrubs. This room was very warm (for the new baby) and had three nurses.
The nurses set about cataloging my daughter like a science experiment. Really, they treated her like a lab specimen. The cold and uncaring way that they handled her kind of worried me, but they made it seem so normal that I didn't crack any of their heads open. They pricked her foot and made her bleed. This doesn't seem like much, but they poke her with the same size pin that they would poke me with, so if I scaled it down it would be like a 10 penny nail going into my foot.
Then they gave her an injection. Well, not right away because the nurse dropped the first B-12 shot and broke the needle so we had to go get another one. Then we measured her at 19 inches long. After that they started running a countdown of dimensions and checks, all of which showed that Katie was a good fish that could be mounted on the wall instead of being thrown back. One check didn't fair so well and that was blood sugar. It seemed to be a little low so the nurse gave Katie a small meal of Infamil baby food.
The tiniest nurse and I went into another room and gave Katie her first bath. She protested much. Now she is all clean and ready for her mommy. Where is mommy?
It took another 45 minutes for mommy to come out of the operating room. I'm glad it did because Dr. Harris did a great job with the stitches. She was woozy but ready to see her pretty little child. We rolled her into the recovery room and I waited until they had her hooked up and under a heat lamp. She looked like french fries at Mcdonald's.
We reunited the baby with her mother. Mommy was tired and drugged but wanted to feed her baby as soon as possible. I was tired but happy and did what I could to make Marie comfortable. She was so tired she could barely hold the baby. We put her in a small rolling crib.
About 3:00 am a nurse brought me a Coca Cola which was the best beverage I've ever had. It perked me back up and gave me the energy to help Marie to her room. Another nurse pushed the baby and I carried the bags. How Marie was still awake was beyond understanding.
...continued.
The Birth: Part 1
It was Thursday night, April 8th, 2010. Friday will be a day off for me. While I had not planned to take Friday off, something kept gnawing at me to so. Finally I just said I needed to be with Marie and left work. My to-do list is still long and we have two doctor visits one of which is my wife's pre-op at the hospital. The grass needs mowing and I needed to get groceries and cook a few things.
We go to bed at 11:00 pm. I slept upstairs in the master bedroom so that I could get up early and get Taylor ready for school. Marie slept in the guest room downstairs so that she could sleep in tomorrow. She thinks I snore.
At 11:30 pm Marie came upstairs and woke me up. She told me that she thought we might be having a baby. I picked up my Blackberry and showed her that she was wrong because it is scheduled for Monday and I laid back on the pillow. She quickly picked up my 3" thick book on steam locomotives and smacked me in the head with it.
"I don't think you understand. We may be having a baby."
"What do you mean maybe? Don't you know?"
"Well, I'm having some pain down below..."
"Guess we should not have had pizza like you wanted..."
"Scott, this pain is different."
"Ok, sweetie...let's go to the hospital!"
I called some friends of ours to see if we could drop Taylor off, but couldn't get them on the phone. They had drop in visitors and were probably still out and about. So I called our neighbors. They saw that it was me and picked up. Quickly they agreed to take Taylor for us.
I got dressed as quickly as I could and went to get Taylor ready. She had been asleep since about 7:30 pm. Marie was trying to get ready but was having water problems. I went back to the room to check her and she was on her third pair of panties and had a towel wedged between her legs.
"How do you feel sweetie?"
"I think we are having a baby."
"Darling, your water broke. We are definitely having a baby tonight."
I took Taylor across the street and made sure she was ok, then ran back to the house and loaded the car with our bags. It seemed like hours but we were out of the house before midnight. Marie threw towels all over the car seat and I put on my driving gloves and helmet. We would be at the hospital in record time.
The cool spring air felt good on me as I cracked the window and started the engine. I had a full tank and we were buckled in. Trying to be gentle and drive fast is tough. I did NOT want to have a baby in the SUV, that is for sure.
We hit the highway and I cranked it up to 85 miles per hour. While I wanted to get there fast, I did want to arrive alive. We passed one guy who did not have any rear lights. This is rural Georgia and many of the natives don't maintain their cars and drink a little to much in the evening.
We arrived safely at the hospital without being stopped by the police. That was God's handiwork because I would have been stopped twice any other time. I parked in the unloading zone only to find that they close the doors to the Women's Center at 9:00 pm. This would have been nice to know before hand. We entered through the emergency exit.
The Women's Center was quite busy. Apparently whenever there is a storm (which we had earlier in the day) the babies like to come out and see what is going on. We were the first C-section and Marie was dilated to 5 centimeters when we got to the prep room. Lucky for us Dr. Harris was already there and ready to go! Sometimes we get lucky and tonight seemed to be the night.
Marie was in severe pain now but was still not yelling. There were people everywhere and finally I found a small corner of the room to stand. They still kept shoving me here and there. All I wanted to do was to hold on to Marie and give her comfort but I couldn't get near her. They covered me in blue paper clothes and sat me in a chair in the hall.
I sat in the empty hall for almost an hour by myself. Occasionally a member of the cleaning staff would come by and say "first baby?" The fact that they all asked the same question meant that I must have been looking very nervous. I was nervous. Having a baby is one thing. Having Marie cut wide open to take it out is another. With my fingernails being gone I went looking for a drink of water, finally having to stick my head under a hand washing faucet. I was drenched in sweat.
Part 2 tomorrow!
We go to bed at 11:00 pm. I slept upstairs in the master bedroom so that I could get up early and get Taylor ready for school. Marie slept in the guest room downstairs so that she could sleep in tomorrow. She thinks I snore.
At 11:30 pm Marie came upstairs and woke me up. She told me that she thought we might be having a baby. I picked up my Blackberry and showed her that she was wrong because it is scheduled for Monday and I laid back on the pillow. She quickly picked up my 3" thick book on steam locomotives and smacked me in the head with it.
"I don't think you understand. We may be having a baby."
"What do you mean maybe? Don't you know?"
"Well, I'm having some pain down below..."
"Guess we should not have had pizza like you wanted..."
"Scott, this pain is different."
"Ok, sweetie...let's go to the hospital!"
I called some friends of ours to see if we could drop Taylor off, but couldn't get them on the phone. They had drop in visitors and were probably still out and about. So I called our neighbors. They saw that it was me and picked up. Quickly they agreed to take Taylor for us.
I got dressed as quickly as I could and went to get Taylor ready. She had been asleep since about 7:30 pm. Marie was trying to get ready but was having water problems. I went back to the room to check her and she was on her third pair of panties and had a towel wedged between her legs.
"How do you feel sweetie?"
"I think we are having a baby."
"Darling, your water broke. We are definitely having a baby tonight."
I took Taylor across the street and made sure she was ok, then ran back to the house and loaded the car with our bags. It seemed like hours but we were out of the house before midnight. Marie threw towels all over the car seat and I put on my driving gloves and helmet. We would be at the hospital in record time.
The cool spring air felt good on me as I cracked the window and started the engine. I had a full tank and we were buckled in. Trying to be gentle and drive fast is tough. I did NOT want to have a baby in the SUV, that is for sure.
We hit the highway and I cranked it up to 85 miles per hour. While I wanted to get there fast, I did want to arrive alive. We passed one guy who did not have any rear lights. This is rural Georgia and many of the natives don't maintain their cars and drink a little to much in the evening.
We arrived safely at the hospital without being stopped by the police. That was God's handiwork because I would have been stopped twice any other time. I parked in the unloading zone only to find that they close the doors to the Women's Center at 9:00 pm. This would have been nice to know before hand. We entered through the emergency exit.
The Women's Center was quite busy. Apparently whenever there is a storm (which we had earlier in the day) the babies like to come out and see what is going on. We were the first C-section and Marie was dilated to 5 centimeters when we got to the prep room. Lucky for us Dr. Harris was already there and ready to go! Sometimes we get lucky and tonight seemed to be the night.
Marie was in severe pain now but was still not yelling. There were people everywhere and finally I found a small corner of the room to stand. They still kept shoving me here and there. All I wanted to do was to hold on to Marie and give her comfort but I couldn't get near her. They covered me in blue paper clothes and sat me in a chair in the hall.
I sat in the empty hall for almost an hour by myself. Occasionally a member of the cleaning staff would come by and say "first baby?" The fact that they all asked the same question meant that I must have been looking very nervous. I was nervous. Having a baby is one thing. Having Marie cut wide open to take it out is another. With my fingernails being gone I went looking for a drink of water, finally having to stick my head under a hand washing faucet. I was drenched in sweat.
Part 2 tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Don't Wake It Up
Deep inside the Black Forest is a dark castle. For years it has stood there, its caretakers constantly living in fright. For just beyond the castle is a deep cavern and in the cavern sleeps the beast...
"Good day your majesty!"
"Shhhhhh...you fool! Do you want to wake it?"
"No sire..."
"Don't you remember what it is capable of doing?"
"I'm...I'm...I'm sorry..."
"Then go and prepare the sacrifice!"
"The sacrificed? But....but...but we just sacrificed about two hours ago, sire."
"Nimrod! Go and prepare the milk! We must feed it to keep it from getting angry!"
"Sire, but we are running out of milk."
"Not again! Oh, whoa is me. We must have more milk!"
"Shall I turn on the milk pumps, sire?"
"Yes, and bring me the Royal Lactation Steward!"
"Right away sire!"
The giant pumps slowly begin to come alive as the giant men begin to push the cogs and wheels. The timbers groan under their great strain. The slavemaster cracks the evil black whip and the men shove the cranks and put their backs into it. Slowly the milk begins to pour into two enormous kegs.
The ground rumbles...
"Quick! Feed the monster before it awakens!"
"We're trying sire! We're trying!"
"TOOOO LATE!"
The monster's eye slowly open. Her head lifts up into the air....
WWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
"Honey, did you wake the baby again?"
"No dear...I promise....I didn't....I, I, I....."
"Good day your majesty!"
"Shhhhhh...you fool! Do you want to wake it?"
"No sire..."
"Don't you remember what it is capable of doing?"
"I'm...I'm...I'm sorry..."
"Then go and prepare the sacrifice!"
"The sacrificed? But....but...but we just sacrificed about two hours ago, sire."
"Nimrod! Go and prepare the milk! We must feed it to keep it from getting angry!"
"Sire, but we are running out of milk."
"Not again! Oh, whoa is me. We must have more milk!"
"Shall I turn on the milk pumps, sire?"
"Yes, and bring me the Royal Lactation Steward!"
"Right away sire!"
The giant pumps slowly begin to come alive as the giant men begin to push the cogs and wheels. The timbers groan under their great strain. The slavemaster cracks the evil black whip and the men shove the cranks and put their backs into it. Slowly the milk begins to pour into two enormous kegs.
The ground rumbles...
"Quick! Feed the monster before it awakens!"
"We're trying sire! We're trying!"
"TOOOO LATE!"
The monster's eye slowly open. Her head lifts up into the air....
WWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
"Honey, did you wake the baby again?"
"No dear...I promise....I didn't....I, I, I....."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Things You Forget
It is funny all the things you forget from the time that you have the first baby to the time the second baby comes. My wife thinks that our first baby was so traumatic that it erased my memory banks. Our lactation nurse says that if my memory banks weren't wiped clean that I'd never have another child. She always right.
Some of the things I had forgotten...
Milk Fed Diapers. I had forgotten that diapers from a child on mother's milk don't stink. They are still gross mind you, but I haven't lost my cookies yet. This will come in time.
How To Swaddle. This is key for daddies as we tend to do it better than the mommies do. Yet, after watching one time I was right back in the thing. Kinda like wrapping up a bum knee. You have to learn to do this if you want the kiddo to sleep.
Ice Water. I plain forgot how much water a nursing mom consumes. Today I bought two more bags of ice just to supplement the ice maker (a jumbo one at that) so I can keep Marie in water. She is drinking gallons a day.
Doing Things In My Sleep. I'm just remembering that I was able to change a diaper and sterilize bottles in my sleep. Walking around like a zombie was easy for the first one. This time it is a little more dangerous now that Barbie parts are scattered all over the floor. I keep several pairs of tweezers around to pull plastic toys out of my feet.
Cold Food. Because I usually want the ever-hungry mommy to eat her meal, I often hold the baby. This means that I am always eating my dinner cold. Even after we can go to a restaurant I'll need to take the crying or misbehaving child outside and will have ice cold steak, usually out of a doggie bag when we get home.
Arm Cramps. Holding little ones for hours on end can give you serious arm cramps. Now I'm sleeping with my hands in my face because the arms won't go down. The baby carrier weighs in at about 20 pounds. This stretches the muscles and makes it worse.
Gas. Mommies with C-sections have a LOT of gas. I had to extinguish the pilot lite on both the furnace and the stove. The good thing is that my oldest daughter has started a sideline selling hot air balloons to neighboring children.
Laundry. Wash, wash, wash. It is piling up faster than I can take it downstairs. There has been a load in the washer every minute since we got home.
Dishwashing. This is my single biggest pet peeve. While I don't mine washing dishes and bottles, I'm doing three or four loads a day! My poor hands are so wrinkled that I don't even have fingerprints. The sink is always full everytime I go downstairs.
Last night I dreamed that I was at my private label rum factory in Barbados. The first bottles were coming off the line and we were down at the beach testing them while steel drums were playing. The warm ocean breeze was blowing and my wife was in a swimsuit and the water from the ocean was splashing on my chin.
I woke up and found myself drooling on the pillow again...
Some of the things I had forgotten...
Milk Fed Diapers. I had forgotten that diapers from a child on mother's milk don't stink. They are still gross mind you, but I haven't lost my cookies yet. This will come in time.
How To Swaddle. This is key for daddies as we tend to do it better than the mommies do. Yet, after watching one time I was right back in the thing. Kinda like wrapping up a bum knee. You have to learn to do this if you want the kiddo to sleep.
Ice Water. I plain forgot how much water a nursing mom consumes. Today I bought two more bags of ice just to supplement the ice maker (a jumbo one at that) so I can keep Marie in water. She is drinking gallons a day.
Doing Things In My Sleep. I'm just remembering that I was able to change a diaper and sterilize bottles in my sleep. Walking around like a zombie was easy for the first one. This time it is a little more dangerous now that Barbie parts are scattered all over the floor. I keep several pairs of tweezers around to pull plastic toys out of my feet.
Cold Food. Because I usually want the ever-hungry mommy to eat her meal, I often hold the baby. This means that I am always eating my dinner cold. Even after we can go to a restaurant I'll need to take the crying or misbehaving child outside and will have ice cold steak, usually out of a doggie bag when we get home.
Arm Cramps. Holding little ones for hours on end can give you serious arm cramps. Now I'm sleeping with my hands in my face because the arms won't go down. The baby carrier weighs in at about 20 pounds. This stretches the muscles and makes it worse.
Gas. Mommies with C-sections have a LOT of gas. I had to extinguish the pilot lite on both the furnace and the stove. The good thing is that my oldest daughter has started a sideline selling hot air balloons to neighboring children.
Laundry. Wash, wash, wash. It is piling up faster than I can take it downstairs. There has been a load in the washer every minute since we got home.
Dishwashing. This is my single biggest pet peeve. While I don't mine washing dishes and bottles, I'm doing three or four loads a day! My poor hands are so wrinkled that I don't even have fingerprints. The sink is always full everytime I go downstairs.
Last night I dreamed that I was at my private label rum factory in Barbados. The first bottles were coming off the line and we were down at the beach testing them while steel drums were playing. The warm ocean breeze was blowing and my wife was in a swimsuit and the water from the ocean was splashing on my chin.
I woke up and found myself drooling on the pillow again...
The Titty Bar
MOM'S TITTY BAR
OPEN 24 x 7
NO BIKERS
"Belly up to the bar, Mac, and what'll ya have?"
"I'll be having a milk, straight up."
"You came to the right place. What's your brand?"
"Whatcha got?"
"Well, in the bottle we got Mayfield, Two Percent, Parmalot, Skim, Whole and Chocolate."
"What is available in a can?"
"That would be Enfamil. We only got one brand. Its strong, so we cut off our customers after two ounces."
"I know, makes me want to barf. What do you have on tap?"
"On the left and right tap we've got mother's milk."
"Warm?"
"Yup!"
"Give me a double, one from each tap. Mind if I take a snooze while I'm drinkin'?"
"Naw...help yourself. Just don't drool on my bar."
My new daughter has been camped out at the Titty Bar all day. Mostly sleeping, but drinking her fair share. She stops to take a short nap or to mess up a diaper, but mostly just drinking. If you disturb her during the feast she will get very angry and turn dark red.
Tonight the wife and I are going to change to swing shifts. I'm going to bed now and she is going to take care of the infant until about 1:00 am. I'll take over from there and just bottle feed the little munchkin. This way we both get four hours of uninterrupted sleep. I hope.
Monday, April 12, 2010
When Sisters Meet
Because of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) new rules at Hospitals, my daughter Taylor was not allowed to be with us when Katie came into the world. This was very hard on Taylor because she was so excited to see her new little sister.
Here she is in her I'm a Big Sister t-shirt holding little Katie for the first time. They bonded instantly. Taylor talked to her sister (in her mommy's tummy) every day and it was not surprise that she reacted to Taylor's voice.
Big sister is very happy and spends much of her time watching the baby and helping us with chores. One day she'll be a very good mommy, just like Marie.
Mommy's Boobies
My five year old is quite fascinated with breast feeding. She watches my wife with the same intent that she watches a new Disney movie. She just doesn't understand why we aren't using bottles.
I firmly believe that the reason my oldest daughter is so healthy is that she was breast fed. She's only been sick for a few times in her life and is the picture of health. What surprises me even more is that my AA cup wife that I married six years ago can feed a baby twelve times a day now.
Still, the most amazing thing of all is how difficult it is to breast feed. I remember the first time I saw Marie when she was about to start. This is natural. Humans have been doing this for thousands of years and raised countless billions of human children. So just WHY does the lactation nurse need to be here?
Then I found out. This is an incredibly difficult thing to do. You have to be TAUGHT how to breast feed. Amazing. For instance, there are several different ways to hold a baby for feeding...
The Football Hold: Guys, you've all seen pictures of the Heisman trophy. You take the little squirt, put her tiny head in your hand and tuck her in like a running back would. It is VERY important that you not spike the ball!
The Cross Hold: Basically this is just laying the baby on your lap. The problem is the baby is NOT at the right angle for feeding with this hold so you have to grab her head, swat the little hands out of the way, and snap her mouth on the nipple like putting a number 10 socket on a Craftsman socket wrench (with a quarter inch drive.) Be carefully not to cross thread the nipple or you will never get the little sucker off.
The Dock Hold: When the mommy is just too tired to sit up, she can lay on her side like a supertanker. Then the little boat can sail up next to her and get fuel. It is important that the supertanker is well anchored or the little boat can get capsized.
Fathers out there, you have to be aware of the suction power of a 6 lb 9 oz infant. Measured scientifically a baby can pull 9 bars of vacuum. That is enough to pull a glass windshield out of the car, seal and all. If this little sucker decides that you are a food source you have to take your smallest finger and slide it in the corner of their mouth to break the vacuum. You'll hear a load popping sound when it happens! I've found the best thing for the bruise it leaves is an ice pack. From now on I'm wearing a shirt.
When you have a C-section baby the milk doesn't always come in quickly. In fact it can take four or five days. This is where the daddy comes in. It's your job to get the smelly formula, warm it up (not in the microwave - I use a blow torch) and feed the little munchkin. The problem is that whatever goes down, comes back up. How much comes up depends on the value and the cleanliness of your shirt. If it is your lucky golf shirt that you were wearing when you hit the only hole-in-one you've ever hit, then you will get 100% of the formula back up on you. Notice the warm sensation? Thought you did.
Tomorrow we'll go to the Pediatric Doctor and see Nurse Mayfield, the lactation nurse. She has helped us out before so we'll look forward to the visit. Meanwhile, the daddy is going to grab a five minute nap.
I firmly believe that the reason my oldest daughter is so healthy is that she was breast fed. She's only been sick for a few times in her life and is the picture of health. What surprises me even more is that my AA cup wife that I married six years ago can feed a baby twelve times a day now.
Still, the most amazing thing of all is how difficult it is to breast feed. I remember the first time I saw Marie when she was about to start. This is natural. Humans have been doing this for thousands of years and raised countless billions of human children. So just WHY does the lactation nurse need to be here?
Then I found out. This is an incredibly difficult thing to do. You have to be TAUGHT how to breast feed. Amazing. For instance, there are several different ways to hold a baby for feeding...
The Football Hold: Guys, you've all seen pictures of the Heisman trophy. You take the little squirt, put her tiny head in your hand and tuck her in like a running back would. It is VERY important that you not spike the ball!
The Cross Hold: Basically this is just laying the baby on your lap. The problem is the baby is NOT at the right angle for feeding with this hold so you have to grab her head, swat the little hands out of the way, and snap her mouth on the nipple like putting a number 10 socket on a Craftsman socket wrench (with a quarter inch drive.) Be carefully not to cross thread the nipple or you will never get the little sucker off.
The Dock Hold: When the mommy is just too tired to sit up, she can lay on her side like a supertanker. Then the little boat can sail up next to her and get fuel. It is important that the supertanker is well anchored or the little boat can get capsized.
Fathers out there, you have to be aware of the suction power of a 6 lb 9 oz infant. Measured scientifically a baby can pull 9 bars of vacuum. That is enough to pull a glass windshield out of the car, seal and all. If this little sucker decides that you are a food source you have to take your smallest finger and slide it in the corner of their mouth to break the vacuum. You'll hear a load popping sound when it happens! I've found the best thing for the bruise it leaves is an ice pack. From now on I'm wearing a shirt.
When you have a C-section baby the milk doesn't always come in quickly. In fact it can take four or five days. This is where the daddy comes in. It's your job to get the smelly formula, warm it up (not in the microwave - I use a blow torch) and feed the little munchkin. The problem is that whatever goes down, comes back up. How much comes up depends on the value and the cleanliness of your shirt. If it is your lucky golf shirt that you were wearing when you hit the only hole-in-one you've ever hit, then you will get 100% of the formula back up on you. Notice the warm sensation? Thought you did.
Tomorrow we'll go to the Pediatric Doctor and see Nurse Mayfield, the lactation nurse. She has helped us out before so we'll look forward to the visit. Meanwhile, the daddy is going to grab a five minute nap.
The Diaper Genie
Please ignore typos, stupid remarks and anything that doesn't make sense. The daddy was up all night and finally got a chance to sneak into the computer room without someone shouting "Scott go get this" and "Scott go get that!" Actually, I don't mind at all, its just every time I sit down I have to get back up.
Marie bought a Diaper Genie. If you don't know what it is, I'll explain. It is a large tubular plastic trash can that makes diapers into sausage. I'll never eat sausage again. It has a thin plastic wrap inside and every time you drop a diaper into it it spins it around and when full you pull out a string of wrapped diapers that look like sausage links. It's claim to fame is that you don't have stinky diaper smell.
It appears that I put it together wrong, so I had to go find the instructions and reassemble it. When I press the foot petal it throws a stinky diaper at me. Must have something backwards. I spent an hour trying to repair it in the middle of the night. So far it is working very well because in the last 12 hours I've used it 13 times. You see, Miss Katie is repootable.
Repootable? Maybe you aren't educated in baby speak so I'll help you out here. When you change a poopy diaper and get the baby all clean and dressed, then you sit down and snuggle her and all is well with the world...then you hear PPPLLLLSSSSPPPPBBBBB coming from her bottom. That is repootable. It basically is the chronic need for a newborn to mess up a brand new diaper just so her poor old dad has to change it immediately after changing the last one.
Katie was repootable several times last night. However, this morning, she provide me with her crowning achievement. I got a poopy, a repootable and then a pee pee while changing her! If this was the Olympics I'm sure she would have gotten a 9.87 and a standing ovation. All I got was more laundry to do.
What I need is a REAL diaper genie!
...rubbing the side of the baby wipes box....blue smoke...then POOF!
"Greetings, master!"
"Hello Genie..."
"How may I serve you?"
"Um...see that newborn over there?"
"I smell her...yes...."
"How about a diaper change."
"Uh...master...I'm not sure..."
"Yes, its covered in the contract. I rub the baby wipes box, free you from a thousand years of imprisonment, and you grant me three wishes!"
"Well, changing diapers is NOT on the..."
"Oh yes it is Blue Boy...now get too it!"
"You don't mean..."
"Yes, you are in charge of the stinky diaper"
"This must count for at least two wishes."
"No, just one...now get cracking"
"Can't I just go back to the box. Hey, how about an extra normal wish and YOU change her!"
"Nope...I'm 11 ahead of you already...get to wiping!"
"Got a clothespin on you?"
Yup...I need a diaper Genie!
Marie bought a Diaper Genie. If you don't know what it is, I'll explain. It is a large tubular plastic trash can that makes diapers into sausage. I'll never eat sausage again. It has a thin plastic wrap inside and every time you drop a diaper into it it spins it around and when full you pull out a string of wrapped diapers that look like sausage links. It's claim to fame is that you don't have stinky diaper smell.
It appears that I put it together wrong, so I had to go find the instructions and reassemble it. When I press the foot petal it throws a stinky diaper at me. Must have something backwards. I spent an hour trying to repair it in the middle of the night. So far it is working very well because in the last 12 hours I've used it 13 times. You see, Miss Katie is repootable.
Repootable? Maybe you aren't educated in baby speak so I'll help you out here. When you change a poopy diaper and get the baby all clean and dressed, then you sit down and snuggle her and all is well with the world...then you hear PPPLLLLSSSSPPPPBBBBB coming from her bottom. That is repootable. It basically is the chronic need for a newborn to mess up a brand new diaper just so her poor old dad has to change it immediately after changing the last one.
Katie was repootable several times last night. However, this morning, she provide me with her crowning achievement. I got a poopy, a repootable and then a pee pee while changing her! If this was the Olympics I'm sure she would have gotten a 9.87 and a standing ovation. All I got was more laundry to do.
What I need is a REAL diaper genie!
...rubbing the side of the baby wipes box....blue smoke...then POOF!
"Greetings, master!"
"Hello Genie..."
"How may I serve you?"
"Um...see that newborn over there?"
"I smell her...yes...."
"How about a diaper change."
"Uh...master...I'm not sure..."
"Yes, its covered in the contract. I rub the baby wipes box, free you from a thousand years of imprisonment, and you grant me three wishes!"
"Well, changing diapers is NOT on the..."
"Oh yes it is Blue Boy...now get too it!"
"You don't mean..."
"Yes, you are in charge of the stinky diaper"
"This must count for at least two wishes."
"No, just one...now get cracking"
"Can't I just go back to the box. Hey, how about an extra normal wish and YOU change her!"
"Nope...I'm 11 ahead of you already...get to wiping!"
"Got a clothespin on you?"
Yup...I need a diaper Genie!
You Find Out Who Your Friends Are
When you have a newborn you quickly find out who your friends are. To preserver their identity, I won't name names, but here are some of the people that have come to our aid.
For them we are eternally grateful!
Mom - who stayed with us for four days. She shuttled our daughter back and forth to school, washed laundry, cooked, served dinner, cleaned dishes and helped out in a million ways. She is priceless.
Neighbors #1 - were there when the unexpected happened and I woke them in the middle of the night. They accepted my daughter as their own and found a bed for her while we ran to the hospital. They have given us clothing for the new little girl, mowed and edged our lawn, and have been a invaluable source of love and support. God teaches us how to be Christian in his bible, but you can learn from the example these people have set. I'll treasure them forever. Oh, and they brought me a bottle of bourbon when I needed it the most.
Neighbors #2 - also edging and cutting the grass. Another fine Christian family.
Friends - who live around the corner. They have cleaned our house from top to bottom and brought food for us when we needed it the most. God bless them for being their.
Mom's Groups and Mothers of Preschoolers - two groups to which my wife belongs to. They have arranged for meals for us for about three whole weeks! What an amazing gift! It really is helping out and saving the dad's energy.
Relatives and friends - who have brought gifts and diapers. Thank you so much! We've gone through two cases of infant diapers already!
Such kind people in our lives. We certainly do appreciate the help! Let us know when we can repay the favor.
Anyone who says there aren't good people left in the world is sadly mistaken.
For them we are eternally grateful!
Mom - who stayed with us for four days. She shuttled our daughter back and forth to school, washed laundry, cooked, served dinner, cleaned dishes and helped out in a million ways. She is priceless.
Neighbors #1 - were there when the unexpected happened and I woke them in the middle of the night. They accepted my daughter as their own and found a bed for her while we ran to the hospital. They have given us clothing for the new little girl, mowed and edged our lawn, and have been a invaluable source of love and support. God teaches us how to be Christian in his bible, but you can learn from the example these people have set. I'll treasure them forever. Oh, and they brought me a bottle of bourbon when I needed it the most.
Neighbors #2 - also edging and cutting the grass. Another fine Christian family.
Friends - who live around the corner. They have cleaned our house from top to bottom and brought food for us when we needed it the most. God bless them for being their.
Mom's Groups and Mothers of Preschoolers - two groups to which my wife belongs to. They have arranged for meals for us for about three whole weeks! What an amazing gift! It really is helping out and saving the dad's energy.
Relatives and friends - who have brought gifts and diapers. Thank you so much! We've gone through two cases of infant diapers already!
Such kind people in our lives. We certainly do appreciate the help! Let us know when we can repay the favor.
Anyone who says there aren't good people left in the world is sadly mistaken.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Baby Katie Comes Home
Sorry I haven't written more or posted photos. I'm so tired...
The baby and the mommy are fine. Both came home early today. I'll blog about the past three days some time this week.
Thanks for the gifts, the prayers and the friendships. I owe my neighbors and my mom more than I can pay back. You are wonderful!
Gotta go to bed...it will be a long night.
The baby and the mommy are fine. Both came home early today. I'll blog about the past three days some time this week.
Thanks for the gifts, the prayers and the friendships. I owe my neighbors and my mom more than I can pay back. You are wonderful!
Gotta go to bed...it will be a long night.
Friday, April 9, 2010
It's a Girl!!!
Welcome to the world Katherine Elizabeth Perry, born April 9th, 2010 at 1:45 am.
So much for planning!
We went to bed at 11:00 pm on Thursday night, and Marie's water broke at 11:30 pm.
More on this later...daddy needs some sleep.
So much for planning!
We went to bed at 11:00 pm on Thursday night, and Marie's water broke at 11:30 pm.
More on this later...daddy needs some sleep.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Evel Knievel
Countdown to Delivery: 4 days
Due date: 4/12/10
The police will be coming to take me away tomorrow. Its been real! My next post will be from cell block eight where I'll be Big Bubba's love muffin. Its a shame I spent all that money on education.
Why you ask? For beating my child.
See, Taylor is going to the dentist tomorrow. He is going to take one look at her and go "she has a child beating daddy!" and call the police. The problem is that I didn't do it. My lovely daughter has a rare disease called tripoverit.
Yup, its a sad state of affairs. Yesterday when I came home her left cheek was swollen and was more colorful than a box of crayons. Specifically violet, black and blue. Taylor was having fun on the playground when she got in an argument with the concrete and the concrete won. The kind teachers put ice on it and called my wife to let her know that THEY weren't beating my child. Tripoverit can't be cured, not even with ballet and gym classes. We've tried.
So today she was running on the playground and flew right into the head of her little friend Sherrie Grace (not her real name). Sherrie Grace (not her real name) apparently has a skull made out of titanium. Did I mention that this is their SECOND head to head crash this week? Sherrie Grace (not her real name) lost that one and gained a fat lip. Taylor impacted her friend with the same side of her face that the first boo boo was on. Now she looks like Rocky just before the final fight.
So what is up with twinkletoes, here? I mean...I am not a ballerina...but I can walk across the room without getting a close up of the genuine imitation wood flooring. But little Crash here is literally black and blue from top to bottom except where she is scratched, which is multiple shades of red.
Maybe I should name her after my childhood idol Evel Knievel! He was great! Broke every bone in his body and nobody made fun of him being a klutz. He was SO COOL in his Elvis like red-white-and-blue jump suit. I fell of my motorcycle many times trying some of his stunts. Its hard for a 14 year old to line up 12 cars and build a jump ramp, you know.
Marie is carrying the incident reports from school to the Dentist's office just in case. I'll be hiding in the basement if you need me. I made sure to kiss Taylor goodnight VERY carefully.
Due date: 4/12/10
The police will be coming to take me away tomorrow. Its been real! My next post will be from cell block eight where I'll be Big Bubba's love muffin. Its a shame I spent all that money on education.
Why you ask? For beating my child.
See, Taylor is going to the dentist tomorrow. He is going to take one look at her and go "she has a child beating daddy!" and call the police. The problem is that I didn't do it. My lovely daughter has a rare disease called tripoverit.
Yup, its a sad state of affairs. Yesterday when I came home her left cheek was swollen and was more colorful than a box of crayons. Specifically violet, black and blue. Taylor was having fun on the playground when she got in an argument with the concrete and the concrete won. The kind teachers put ice on it and called my wife to let her know that THEY weren't beating my child. Tripoverit can't be cured, not even with ballet and gym classes. We've tried.
So today she was running on the playground and flew right into the head of her little friend Sherrie Grace (not her real name). Sherrie Grace (not her real name) apparently has a skull made out of titanium. Did I mention that this is their SECOND head to head crash this week? Sherrie Grace (not her real name) lost that one and gained a fat lip. Taylor impacted her friend with the same side of her face that the first boo boo was on. Now she looks like Rocky just before the final fight.
So what is up with twinkletoes, here? I mean...I am not a ballerina...but I can walk across the room without getting a close up of the genuine imitation wood flooring. But little Crash here is literally black and blue from top to bottom except where she is scratched, which is multiple shades of red.
Maybe I should name her after my childhood idol Evel Knievel! He was great! Broke every bone in his body and nobody made fun of him being a klutz. He was SO COOL in his Elvis like red-white-and-blue jump suit. I fell of my motorcycle many times trying some of his stunts. Its hard for a 14 year old to line up 12 cars and build a jump ramp, you know.
Marie is carrying the incident reports from school to the Dentist's office just in case. I'll be hiding in the basement if you need me. I made sure to kiss Taylor goodnight VERY carefully.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Alien
Countdown to Delivery: 5 days
Due date: 4/12/10
Ask any man about "what would it be like if you were pregnant" and they will answer in unison..
Yes, the movie Alien is how we relate to a pregnancy. All of us have the scene where the alien leaps out of the guy's stomach. To feel the baby moving inside her tummy is so foreign to us males that we can't even put it into words. I know it is a baby...but it seems like a thing. A moving thing. I'd barf for months.
The funny thing is really when you first see the baby. It looks like a thing. It is VERY scary. Our first daughter came out purple, covered in gross stuff and screaming. I said put it back. They made us keep it.
After a few hours when they cleaned her up and she turned pink and cute, then I decided that we'd give her a name and keep her. But it was touch and go for a while. Figured I could drop it by the Goodwill on the way home.
Glad we kept it though...she turned out beautiful.
But somewhere...on a ship in the coldness of space...three astronauts are looking at a forth, and wondering why he is writhing in pain...
Due date: 4/12/10
Ask any man about "what would it be like if you were pregnant" and they will answer in unison..
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Yes, the movie Alien is how we relate to a pregnancy. All of us have the scene where the alien leaps out of the guy's stomach. To feel the baby moving inside her tummy is so foreign to us males that we can't even put it into words. I know it is a baby...but it seems like a thing. A moving thing. I'd barf for months.
The funny thing is really when you first see the baby. It looks like a thing. It is VERY scary. Our first daughter came out purple, covered in gross stuff and screaming. I said put it back. They made us keep it.
After a few hours when they cleaned her up and she turned pink and cute, then I decided that we'd give her a name and keep her. But it was touch and go for a while. Figured I could drop it by the Goodwill on the way home.
Glad we kept it though...she turned out beautiful.
But somewhere...on a ship in the coldness of space...three astronauts are looking at a forth, and wondering why he is writhing in pain...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Fun With Taylor
Countdown to Delivery: 6 days
Due date: 4/12/10
I like to play with Taylor when I come home She is such a trip. Tonight we did a quiet evening and watched The Princess and the Frog by Disney. What a fun movie! She snuggled up tight to her daddy and gave me lots of little kisses.
Then I said the magic words....
"Time for bed, sweetheart!"
Like magic my beautiful, adorable little princess mysteriously turns into a pit viper, writhing and hissing and spitting poison at me. We do NOT like to go to bed, especially when we are having fun with daddy.
Finally I had to pick her up like a sack of potatoes and throw her over my shoulder. Size matters when dealing with children. Kicking and screaming, I carried her up the stairs. Makes me feel like a pirate.
"Arrgh!"
"I'll never walk the plank you bad old pirate!"
"Why yes, you will matey...and your stuffed horsie, too!"
"No no no!"
"And I'll makes it worse for yee, too! You'll have to brush your teeth!"
"I'll never brush my teeth! You can't make me!"
"Aye, lassy, that's where you are mistaken!"
The burly captain grabs the young princess and hoists her into his giant arms. His tremendous footsteps rock the ship and the boards of the deck groan in pain.
"Here....now....brush your teeth!"
"Never! I hope you die!"
"A little much for just brushing your teeth, don't ya think, lassy?"
"I want my mommy!"
"You're mommy has perfect teeth. Not even a single cavity...so what makes yee think that she'll pardon your scruffy hyde?"
"You are MEAN TO ME!"
"Ya don't know the half of it, me hardee..."
She brushed her teeth.
She hugged and kissed her mommy goodnight.
Her horsie is tucked under her arm.
But no kiss for the mean old pirate that tucked her into bed. He'll wander amidships and hopes he next daughter is only a dragon...
Due date: 4/12/10
I like to play with Taylor when I come home She is such a trip. Tonight we did a quiet evening and watched The Princess and the Frog by Disney. What a fun movie! She snuggled up tight to her daddy and gave me lots of little kisses.
Then I said the magic words....
"Time for bed, sweetheart!"
Like magic my beautiful, adorable little princess mysteriously turns into a pit viper, writhing and hissing and spitting poison at me. We do NOT like to go to bed, especially when we are having fun with daddy.
Finally I had to pick her up like a sack of potatoes and throw her over my shoulder. Size matters when dealing with children. Kicking and screaming, I carried her up the stairs. Makes me feel like a pirate.
"Arrgh!"
"I'll never walk the plank you bad old pirate!"
"Why yes, you will matey...and your stuffed horsie, too!"
"No no no!"
"And I'll makes it worse for yee, too! You'll have to brush your teeth!"
"I'll never brush my teeth! You can't make me!"
"Aye, lassy, that's where you are mistaken!"
The burly captain grabs the young princess and hoists her into his giant arms. His tremendous footsteps rock the ship and the boards of the deck groan in pain.
"Here....now....brush your teeth!"
"Never! I hope you die!"
"A little much for just brushing your teeth, don't ya think, lassy?"
"I want my mommy!"
"You're mommy has perfect teeth. Not even a single cavity...so what makes yee think that she'll pardon your scruffy hyde?"
"You are MEAN TO ME!"
"Ya don't know the half of it, me hardee..."
She brushed her teeth.
She hugged and kissed her mommy goodnight.
Her horsie is tucked under her arm.
But no kiss for the mean old pirate that tucked her into bed. He'll wander amidships and hopes he next daughter is only a dragon...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday Monday
Countdown to Delivery: 6 days
Due date: 4/12/10
Tonight Duke will go on to win the Final Four and the Collegiate Championship. I’m so happy for Marie as I know she will enjoy the game. Heck, I’m happy if she just smiles once or twice. She is really uncomfortable.
Sorry I’ve not posted over the weekend. Marie has had me doing double-time on furniture. We move my library to the bedroom annex which is a great idea. I often read upstairs, so might as well have the books up there, too. My father’s leather chair and a good light will join the group. I still need a small table and then I’m set.
The library downstairs is now Taylor’s new playroom. We put in a bunch of furniture such as a massive cubicle wall unit and a new drawing desk. I’ll be able to sit with Taylor and teach her how to draw. What fun!
I keep going over the list of things we need and will need to do. Our good friend Elaine has volunteered to come clean the house this week. That is probably the best gift we’ll get next to my Mom coming to stay. Elaine does an amazing job, too. The house needs it, and I’m running out of time to do it.
I’ve been over our hospital bags a few times. There were only a few things that I added.
• Scotch – fifth, just in case.
• Inflatable mattress – in case I pass out in the operating room
• Smelling salts – see above
• Ear plugs – in case Marie decides to discuss my heredity with the nursing staff
• Laptop – so that I can broadcast Baby Katie’s pictures
• Cigars – Partagas, small ring, wooden matches, cutter. Not sure where I can smoke it though.
• Cheetohs – the crunchy kind.
• Model Train Magazines – these go with me everywhere
• A Llama – never know when you might need a llama.
I’ll carry the debit card just in case we need anything else. Gainesville is a foreign country so I’m not really sure what we might be able to get. One thing I’ll have to do is import food for Marie. I can’t have her eating hospital swill. It will kill her. She’ll need good wholesome food like Chick-Fil-A. There might be one in the hospital, too!
Marie is at home trying to sleep. I hope she does nod off some as she is really tired and can’t sleep well at night. Taylor is sleeping fine, though I’m still not sure that she really understands what is going on. She pats and kisses Mommy’s tummy all the time, but I don’t think she really gets that there is a baby in there.
Not sure I get it either!
Due date: 4/12/10
Tonight Duke will go on to win the Final Four and the Collegiate Championship. I’m so happy for Marie as I know she will enjoy the game. Heck, I’m happy if she just smiles once or twice. She is really uncomfortable.
Sorry I’ve not posted over the weekend. Marie has had me doing double-time on furniture. We move my library to the bedroom annex which is a great idea. I often read upstairs, so might as well have the books up there, too. My father’s leather chair and a good light will join the group. I still need a small table and then I’m set.
The library downstairs is now Taylor’s new playroom. We put in a bunch of furniture such as a massive cubicle wall unit and a new drawing desk. I’ll be able to sit with Taylor and teach her how to draw. What fun!
I keep going over the list of things we need and will need to do. Our good friend Elaine has volunteered to come clean the house this week. That is probably the best gift we’ll get next to my Mom coming to stay. Elaine does an amazing job, too. The house needs it, and I’m running out of time to do it.
I’ve been over our hospital bags a few times. There were only a few things that I added.
• Scotch – fifth, just in case.
• Inflatable mattress – in case I pass out in the operating room
• Smelling salts – see above
• Ear plugs – in case Marie decides to discuss my heredity with the nursing staff
• Laptop – so that I can broadcast Baby Katie’s pictures
• Cigars – Partagas, small ring, wooden matches, cutter. Not sure where I can smoke it though.
• Cheetohs – the crunchy kind.
• Model Train Magazines – these go with me everywhere
• A Llama – never know when you might need a llama.
I’ll carry the debit card just in case we need anything else. Gainesville is a foreign country so I’m not really sure what we might be able to get. One thing I’ll have to do is import food for Marie. I can’t have her eating hospital swill. It will kill her. She’ll need good wholesome food like Chick-Fil-A. There might be one in the hospital, too!
Marie is at home trying to sleep. I hope she does nod off some as she is really tired and can’t sleep well at night. Taylor is sleeping fine, though I’m still not sure that she really understands what is going on. She pats and kisses Mommy’s tummy all the time, but I don’t think she really gets that there is a baby in there.
Not sure I get it either!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The Dream
Countdown to Delivery: 7 days
Due date: 4/12/10
I have had dreams about this daughter several times. She's very different from Taylor. She looks like Marie with the dark dark brown hair. She has Marie's nose and her doe eyes. My dream was with her at about four years old. She had on a green dress.
I think we were going to get ice cream or something else fun. The whole time I was thinking about how much she reminded me of Marie and how thick and full her hair was. She is a quiet child and the dress is very awkward for her. Both of her knees are wearing bandaids.
How excited I am to meet my new little girl! I so hope that she is not a screaming monster like Taylor was. T almost got left at the hospital as unclaimed freight. At least Katie will have a perfectly round head.
We're still not sure how long mom needs to hang around. Marie's mom is coming down, too and we're not sure when. I'm glad they are around because we'll need the help. These ladies are incredibly different and quite loved by little Taylor.
Waiting Waiting Waiting....
I'm tired of waiting. I know Marie is VERY tired of waiting.
Due date: 4/12/10
I have had dreams about this daughter several times. She's very different from Taylor. She looks like Marie with the dark dark brown hair. She has Marie's nose and her doe eyes. My dream was with her at about four years old. She had on a green dress.
I think we were going to get ice cream or something else fun. The whole time I was thinking about how much she reminded me of Marie and how thick and full her hair was. She is a quiet child and the dress is very awkward for her. Both of her knees are wearing bandaids.
How excited I am to meet my new little girl! I so hope that she is not a screaming monster like Taylor was. T almost got left at the hospital as unclaimed freight. At least Katie will have a perfectly round head.
We're still not sure how long mom needs to hang around. Marie's mom is coming down, too and we're not sure when. I'm glad they are around because we'll need the help. These ladies are incredibly different and quite loved by little Taylor.
Waiting Waiting Waiting....
I'm tired of waiting. I know Marie is VERY tired of waiting.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
We Have a Birthday!
Countdown to Delivery: 11 days (revised)
Due date: 4/12/10 (revised)
It's official. Baby Katie will arrive on April 12th, 2010 about noon. At least, unless she decides to come early. Marie went to the doctor this morning and we arranged it all. At least it is sooner, which is better for the mommy.
Ok, I can work with this. Its a plan. Grandma comes over, daughter goes to school, we organize and load the car, drive to the hospital like old church ladies and squirt out a puppy. Guy kinda efficiency. I like it!
Spoke with Grandma and she will be here to help us out. She's offered to stay as long as we need, which is good. I'm taking that week off in order to help Marie. Should be fine.
Ok, so why am I still worried. Look at my fingers! I don't have a nail left on any hands and if I weren't fat my toenails would be gone, too. Since I'm still on medicine from the plague I dare not have a drink but could sure use one.
Taylor is enjoying spring. She's been outside all afternoon chasing her little friends around the yard. She even picked flowers for me. Such a sweetheart. Little does she know that we're bringing home a crying, tiny infant that will need constant attention. How will my cutie take it? Good question.
Lots of worrying left to do. Which the final round of bronchitis would go away. I need to breath. Need more energy. Very tired... goodnight.
Due date: 4/12/10 (revised)
It's official. Baby Katie will arrive on April 12th, 2010 about noon. At least, unless she decides to come early. Marie went to the doctor this morning and we arranged it all. At least it is sooner, which is better for the mommy.
Ok, I can work with this. Its a plan. Grandma comes over, daughter goes to school, we organize and load the car, drive to the hospital like old church ladies and squirt out a puppy. Guy kinda efficiency. I like it!
Spoke with Grandma and she will be here to help us out. She's offered to stay as long as we need, which is good. I'm taking that week off in order to help Marie. Should be fine.
Ok, so why am I still worried. Look at my fingers! I don't have a nail left on any hands and if I weren't fat my toenails would be gone, too. Since I'm still on medicine from the plague I dare not have a drink but could sure use one.
Taylor is enjoying spring. She's been outside all afternoon chasing her little friends around the yard. She even picked flowers for me. Such a sweetheart. Little does she know that we're bringing home a crying, tiny infant that will need constant attention. How will my cutie take it? Good question.
Lots of worrying left to do. Which the final round of bronchitis would go away. I need to breath. Need more energy. Very tired... goodnight.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Getting Ready – Getting Scared
Countdown to Delivery: 17 days
Due date: 4/18/10
Due date: 4/18/10
Babies are scary little things. I’m absolutely terrified. What if something happens to Marie? Or the Baby? Or Taylor
The panic level usually cranks up about (wait for it…) now! It hit me today while I was working through lunch. It was the same panic I felt last time we had a kid. I couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I don’t know that the women understand this about their men. We’d never tell them of course because that would require and intimate conversation and frankly I’d rather have my throat cut. But if I was to have one the first thing that I would tell Sweet Marie is that I’m scared for her. It is so dangerous.
I know, I know…people have babies every day. They also get cancer, have car wrecks and get audited by the IRS. This one is breach which is even more scary. Seldom do I drink but I could use a good Scotch on the Scotch today. Maybe a double.
To describe it let me give you some examples:
- Bar room fight with a guy six inches taller than me. No fear
- Driving a motorcycle at 125 miles per hour on the high way. No fear.
- Jumping out of an airplane. No fear
- Marriage. A little fear.
- Lost in an Amazon jungle with a knife, water bottle and a handful of M&M’s. A lot of fear.
- Babies. Absolute terror
That is how us guys look at it. I’m sweating just writing this. So much can go wrong. Then there is all the other stuff. Will a car give out? Will we have enough money? Will the baby be sick? Will my mother in law camp out for a month? Will my pick for the final four not make it? So much to worry over.
So I’m just going to stop. Not worry at all. Marie doesn’t. She doesn’t like to feel well but she takes things as they come and never seems to get concerned. I like that about her. Or maybe it’s just to keep me from worrying.
Wish it was over.
Oh, the M&M’s in the jungle? The killer ants love them! You don’t want them in your pack!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Extra! Extra! To-Do List Breaks Newton's Law
Countdown to Delivery: 19 days
Due date: 4/18/10
It is impossible for anything to continue to gain mass when all you do is subtract mass. Its a fundamental law. However, our Baby To Do list continues to increase even though we keep working it down. We are 19 days or less from the big day and still we have more things to do that we didn't need to do yesterday when we were to doing it.
Marie and I sat on the bed in guest room and studied logistics. How does a mommy who just had a C-section handle the stairs in our house? Good question. They are tall staircases, too. The best thing is to keep her on one floor. Tough to do with the master bedroom upstairs and the kitchen downstairs. We figure that we'll keep Marie sequestered upstairs for the first week and I'll stay home with her. Then, depending on the amount of grandma help we get, we may move her downstairs for the second week so she can get up and go to the fridge. We'll let her sleep in the guest room and keep the baby in the laundry room. Ok, that idea didn't go over too well. But it is warm in there, especially with all the cleaning chemicals.
Food. The pregnant mommy always wants to keep food in the house. We made a list of things to cook this weekend (Scott to cook, that is) and I'll go to the store on Thursday. Looks like 10 hours of cooking and cleaning but we'll have a stocked freezer. I better buy a case of wine, too. This could be a long summer. Make that two cases.
Marie wants the baby right next to her so the bassinet will kept next to the bed. This way Marie can feed her and not have to walk around too much. This means that Scott isn't sleeping in the master bedroom because I'll keep the baby up from my snoring. I better put a cot in the basement. At least its cool down there and close to the trains.
We made another bigger list and I started on it tonight. Marie wants my books out of the library and upstairs in our new reading room. I can't carry my book collection because the bronchitis is making me very winded. So I hired a neighbor to come do it for us on Saturday. That will open up the new playroom for Taylor.
So much to do. New fire extinguishers, several small repairs, arrgh! When will it in. Come on baby! Please show up so Marie makes me be quiet all day and I can hide in the basement!
Due date: 4/18/10
It is impossible for anything to continue to gain mass when all you do is subtract mass. Its a fundamental law. However, our Baby To Do list continues to increase even though we keep working it down. We are 19 days or less from the big day and still we have more things to do that we didn't need to do yesterday when we were to doing it.
Marie and I sat on the bed in guest room and studied logistics. How does a mommy who just had a C-section handle the stairs in our house? Good question. They are tall staircases, too. The best thing is to keep her on one floor. Tough to do with the master bedroom upstairs and the kitchen downstairs. We figure that we'll keep Marie sequestered upstairs for the first week and I'll stay home with her. Then, depending on the amount of grandma help we get, we may move her downstairs for the second week so she can get up and go to the fridge. We'll let her sleep in the guest room and keep the baby in the laundry room. Ok, that idea didn't go over too well. But it is warm in there, especially with all the cleaning chemicals.
Food. The pregnant mommy always wants to keep food in the house. We made a list of things to cook this weekend (Scott to cook, that is) and I'll go to the store on Thursday. Looks like 10 hours of cooking and cleaning but we'll have a stocked freezer. I better buy a case of wine, too. This could be a long summer. Make that two cases.
Marie wants the baby right next to her so the bassinet will kept next to the bed. This way Marie can feed her and not have to walk around too much. This means that Scott isn't sleeping in the master bedroom because I'll keep the baby up from my snoring. I better put a cot in the basement. At least its cool down there and close to the trains.
We made another bigger list and I started on it tonight. Marie wants my books out of the library and upstairs in our new reading room. I can't carry my book collection because the bronchitis is making me very winded. So I hired a neighbor to come do it for us on Saturday. That will open up the new playroom for Taylor.
So much to do. New fire extinguishers, several small repairs, arrgh! When will it in. Come on baby! Please show up so Marie makes me be quiet all day and I can hide in the basement!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Not the Energizer Bunny
Countdown to Delivery: 20 days
Due date: 4/18/10
She's running out of energy. Poor thing. I tried to plug my wife into the electrical socket but my daughter warned her ahead of time. She needs energy.
I can't imagine how bad she must feel. Everything is a struggle. She is not comfortable lying down. Even less standing up. Sitting is a problem, too. Nothing makes her feel better. Poor little wife.
I try to do things for her but she likes to do them herself. She was struggling to move a laundry basket up the stairs when I caught her and took it away. That's when I noticed that she was actually more round than the basket. So just how do you walk when your center of gravity is off by so much? Gently I reminded her that she doesn't have to lift or pick up anything, just let me know what she needs done and I'll do it. The plague I've had for weeks appears to be lifting, thank God. I'm getting my energy back.
I took the basket away from her and sent her to bed. Its 9:00 pm and the daughter is snoozing away, dreaming of princesses and castles. Time for mommy to relax. But I don't think she really can but at least I can keep her from working. Our to do list is still so long! Tomorrow I'll buy her some fine chocolates. Marie likes those. They make her happy.
I guess I'm frustrated because she is miserable and me being the cause of it doesn't make me a likely candidate for helping her. But she never blames me, she just gasps and sighs and mopes around. Most of the time I can here her Darth Vader breathing down the hall. Poor little wife.
Its ok, sweetheart...21 days or less. Just hang in there. I love you and I'm here for you.
Due date: 4/18/10
She's running out of energy. Poor thing. I tried to plug my wife into the electrical socket but my daughter warned her ahead of time. She needs energy.
I can't imagine how bad she must feel. Everything is a struggle. She is not comfortable lying down. Even less standing up. Sitting is a problem, too. Nothing makes her feel better. Poor little wife.
I try to do things for her but she likes to do them herself. She was struggling to move a laundry basket up the stairs when I caught her and took it away. That's when I noticed that she was actually more round than the basket. So just how do you walk when your center of gravity is off by so much? Gently I reminded her that she doesn't have to lift or pick up anything, just let me know what she needs done and I'll do it. The plague I've had for weeks appears to be lifting, thank God. I'm getting my energy back.
I took the basket away from her and sent her to bed. Its 9:00 pm and the daughter is snoozing away, dreaming of princesses and castles. Time for mommy to relax. But I don't think she really can but at least I can keep her from working. Our to do list is still so long! Tomorrow I'll buy her some fine chocolates. Marie likes those. They make her happy.
I guess I'm frustrated because she is miserable and me being the cause of it doesn't make me a likely candidate for helping her. But she never blames me, she just gasps and sighs and mopes around. Most of the time I can here her Darth Vader breathing down the hall. Poor little wife.
Its ok, sweetheart...21 days or less. Just hang in there. I love you and I'm here for you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Hunting Chuck E. Cheese
Countdown to Delivery: 21 days
Due date: 4/18/10
Some say the world will end in fire.
Some say in ice.
Not sure if you are familiar with the poem, but Mr. Frost has it all wrong. The world will end with Chuck E. Cheese. If you have read the bible you know God likes catastrophic endings. Just look at the tower of Babel, The Walls of Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah, and Jael's spiking of Sisera's head to her tent floor. I love that one. So the world will end in the biggest, chaotic mess you can image!
Chuck E. Cheese.
Today was my daughter's fifth birthday. Well, we staged a fifth birthday for her. The real birthday is in May, but with the baby coming we just didn't think we could do a good job of it. So she said she wanted to do it at the Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Fiasco and only wanted to invite girls. If she had said "and I want the black plague rats there, too!" I might have been encouraged to go.
If you have not been to Chuck's place I'll paint a picture for you. Go to the monkey house at the zoo. Give all the monkeys amphetamines. Then give them small coins in an open cup and turn them loose on the monkey bars. Oh, and put the monkey house in a very small pizza place. Chuck E. Cheese. The horror.
First off it is a place where kids can run amuck. That is a good thing! The have very good security. The waifish teen chick that guards the door and stamps your hand could easily stop me from swiping a young'un. Especially since she didn't even check me when I loaded the car. Besides, with half of them crying or screaming, who'd want one?
I do like the fact that you can bring your own cake. We got ours at Walmart with with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER on it. Ok, so the A costs extra. Taylor didn't notice. And it had light up princesses on it. Oh joy! I'm trying to find something that doesn't have princesses on it and I'm going to buy a dozen of whatever it is.
The children were zooming everywhere. The pizza tastes like the store bought cardboard variety and I still have a pepperoni down my nice dress shirt. On the inside, mind you. Next time I'm wearing plastic. You know its all plastics these days. The soda fountain is nice if you can get to it.
Mostly what I don't like is the screaming. The scared little girl screaming, like when Chucky, the walking rat, walks up behind my daughter and gives her a hug. She was screaming and crying crocodile tears. Naturally mommy wasn't there as she had picked this most opportune time to go to the potty. Again. Want to give a pregnant mommy a great gift? Try incontinence diapers.
After three hours we were finally released on parole. I had three years of my life sucked out of me in that place and all I have to show for it is a very high bank draft and a hand full of brass coins.
Taylor had a wonderful time and her little girl friends are cute and funny. Meanwhile I'll sleep with one eye open waiting for the horsemen followed by the giant walking rat. Lord, take me soon.
Due date: 4/18/10
Some say the world will end in fire.
Some say in ice.
Not sure if you are familiar with the poem, but Mr. Frost has it all wrong. The world will end with Chuck E. Cheese. If you have read the bible you know God likes catastrophic endings. Just look at the tower of Babel, The Walls of Jericho, Sodom and Gomorrah, and Jael's spiking of Sisera's head to her tent floor. I love that one. So the world will end in the biggest, chaotic mess you can image!
Chuck E. Cheese.
Today was my daughter's fifth birthday. Well, we staged a fifth birthday for her. The real birthday is in May, but with the baby coming we just didn't think we could do a good job of it. So she said she wanted to do it at the Chuck E. Cheese Pizza Fiasco and only wanted to invite girls. If she had said "and I want the black plague rats there, too!" I might have been encouraged to go.
If you have not been to Chuck's place I'll paint a picture for you. Go to the monkey house at the zoo. Give all the monkeys amphetamines. Then give them small coins in an open cup and turn them loose on the monkey bars. Oh, and put the monkey house in a very small pizza place. Chuck E. Cheese. The horror.
First off it is a place where kids can run amuck. That is a good thing! The have very good security. The waifish teen chick that guards the door and stamps your hand could easily stop me from swiping a young'un. Especially since she didn't even check me when I loaded the car. Besides, with half of them crying or screaming, who'd want one?
I do like the fact that you can bring your own cake. We got ours at Walmart with with HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYLER on it. Ok, so the A costs extra. Taylor didn't notice. And it had light up princesses on it. Oh joy! I'm trying to find something that doesn't have princesses on it and I'm going to buy a dozen of whatever it is.
The children were zooming everywhere. The pizza tastes like the store bought cardboard variety and I still have a pepperoni down my nice dress shirt. On the inside, mind you. Next time I'm wearing plastic. You know its all plastics these days. The soda fountain is nice if you can get to it.
Mostly what I don't like is the screaming. The scared little girl screaming, like when Chucky, the walking rat, walks up behind my daughter and gives her a hug. She was screaming and crying crocodile tears. Naturally mommy wasn't there as she had picked this most opportune time to go to the potty. Again. Want to give a pregnant mommy a great gift? Try incontinence diapers.
After three hours we were finally released on parole. I had three years of my life sucked out of me in that place and all I have to show for it is a very high bank draft and a hand full of brass coins.
Taylor had a wonderful time and her little girl friends are cute and funny. Meanwhile I'll sleep with one eye open waiting for the horsemen followed by the giant walking rat. Lord, take me soon.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
To Every Pregnancy, Turn, Turn, Turn....
Countdown to Delivery: 22 days
Due date: 4/18/10
My research is done and I thank you all for the great tips that you've sent in for turning the baby. Please don't be offended if we don't use The Bunjee Jump Method, the Waffle House Method or the very scary Car Battery Method. I mean, we're aren't savages here.
We've decided to use the Sweet Sixteen method. For those of you that are basketball fans, this is a great one. Marie is glued to the tv each night watching college basketball so it is a natural. The method goes like this...
First you get into a kneeling position on the king sized bed. You lean forward and put your head on a pillow, then turn on the basketball game. Each time you yell "hey, you stupid ref, are you @#$@!#% blind?" then you agitate the baby back and forth. When your team hits a three pointer you immediately stand up on the bed and jump up and down. Don't worry, we duct tape her knees together just in case anything wants to fall out. Then its back to the head down position. All this time the father is aiming a bright light at your butt going "Follow the light! Follow the light!"
We rented a forklift to put Marie in position. About an hour later (and just before game time) we were ready. Duke was playing Purdue, so I won't tell you the outcome. The ref missed two calls right off the bat, but the baby didn't turn. I think she is a Kentucky fan.
We continued to agitate the baby and the mommy. Twice we had to roll her back up on the bed. It would have been much easier if Marie didn't have to go to the potty during every commercial. We kept having to start all over again. Oh, did I mention that she had to eat fourteen enchiladas and keep an ice bag on her belly button? It was quite complicated. Really we were trying eight of the methods all rolled up into one. That was my idea. The stitches come out Wednesday.
Needless to say the baby didn't even move and the game was a nail biter. We are sending this baby to NC Chapel Hill.
So this method is not going to work.
Our next attempt: The Dune Buggy Method! Grab your helmet!
Due date: 4/18/10
My research is done and I thank you all for the great tips that you've sent in for turning the baby. Please don't be offended if we don't use The Bunjee Jump Method, the Waffle House Method or the very scary Car Battery Method. I mean, we're aren't savages here.
We've decided to use the Sweet Sixteen method. For those of you that are basketball fans, this is a great one. Marie is glued to the tv each night watching college basketball so it is a natural. The method goes like this...
First you get into a kneeling position on the king sized bed. You lean forward and put your head on a pillow, then turn on the basketball game. Each time you yell "hey, you stupid ref, are you @#$@!#% blind?" then you agitate the baby back and forth. When your team hits a three pointer you immediately stand up on the bed and jump up and down. Don't worry, we duct tape her knees together just in case anything wants to fall out. Then its back to the head down position. All this time the father is aiming a bright light at your butt going "Follow the light! Follow the light!"
We rented a forklift to put Marie in position. About an hour later (and just before game time) we were ready. Duke was playing Purdue, so I won't tell you the outcome. The ref missed two calls right off the bat, but the baby didn't turn. I think she is a Kentucky fan.
We continued to agitate the baby and the mommy. Twice we had to roll her back up on the bed. It would have been much easier if Marie didn't have to go to the potty during every commercial. We kept having to start all over again. Oh, did I mention that she had to eat fourteen enchiladas and keep an ice bag on her belly button? It was quite complicated. Really we were trying eight of the methods all rolled up into one. That was my idea. The stitches come out Wednesday.
Needless to say the baby didn't even move and the game was a nail biter. We are sending this baby to NC Chapel Hill.
So this method is not going to work.
Our next attempt: The Dune Buggy Method! Grab your helmet!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Zelma Adeline?
Countdown to Delivery: 23 days
Due date: 4/18/10
Some folks have asked us about the baby's name. That is always a hard thing. For Taylor it was an eight month argument. This time it has been a bit more civil, though I do think my Cheerios tasted unusual last Saturday.
The first fight usually starts around family names. I was quite excited to announce the baby would be Zelma Adeline after my great grandmother. The ice tea glass crashed against the wall just to the left of my right ear. Stitches come out Wednesday.
So Marie is not up for family names. How about something a little more daring, though not quite as bold as Moon Unit Zappa. Chloe Abigail. Oh, she barfed all over that one.
Marie reminded me of my dream. Years ago before Taylor was born I had a dream that I was taking my daughter somewhere. She was a pretty little thing with dark, thick brown hair and big brown eyes like her mother. Repeatedly I called her Amanda. Well, I wanted to call Taylor by that name, but Marie wouldn't hear of it. Apparently she knew someone in the past named Amanda and it made her milk curdle.
Needless to say Taylor is almost blonde with green eyes like mine, so it wasn't her. So this little girl might be our Amanda and I've called her that from the start. But I like the name Katherine, as does Marie and we've been calling her Amanda Katherine.
Katherine is a great name because you can call her Kate, Kathy or Katie. I got to liking Katie and have started getting attached to that. My mom had a cow. That is not an uncommon thing as she has cows quite often. But this one was a Holstein. Big Holstein. Horns and all. Major cow. The reason is that apparently folks called her all kinds of knicknames, which is to be considered here.
But I'm VERY reluctant to listen to my mom's advice on naming, though I usually listen to her for everything else as she's a smart lady. But naming is NOT her strong suit. Just ask my brother Wier. Double u, i, e, r. Wier. Poor guy. He's been abused for that for as long as I remember. I would have changed it. I like Nick much better for him. He looks like a Nick. Has big forearms like a Nick. Even a goatee like a Nick. I've seen him called Wire, Ware, Wear, WEE-er and a host of other contortions.
Nope. Mom is OUT on baby naming.
But recently I've been listening to me say the word Amanda. For some reason its not sticking any more and I really like Katie. So Marie and I settled on Katie. Yes, Marie has a vote. She can veto anything and almost always does.
But it is decided. She is Katherine Elizabeth Perry.
At least until I sign the papers...
Now if my wife had given my a BOY like I asked for...why he'd be Donald Eugene Talmage Oxnard Perry the IV. I love family names!
Due date: 4/18/10
Some folks have asked us about the baby's name. That is always a hard thing. For Taylor it was an eight month argument. This time it has been a bit more civil, though I do think my Cheerios tasted unusual last Saturday.
The first fight usually starts around family names. I was quite excited to announce the baby would be Zelma Adeline after my great grandmother. The ice tea glass crashed against the wall just to the left of my right ear. Stitches come out Wednesday.
So Marie is not up for family names. How about something a little more daring, though not quite as bold as Moon Unit Zappa. Chloe Abigail. Oh, she barfed all over that one.
Marie reminded me of my dream. Years ago before Taylor was born I had a dream that I was taking my daughter somewhere. She was a pretty little thing with dark, thick brown hair and big brown eyes like her mother. Repeatedly I called her Amanda. Well, I wanted to call Taylor by that name, but Marie wouldn't hear of it. Apparently she knew someone in the past named Amanda and it made her milk curdle.
Needless to say Taylor is almost blonde with green eyes like mine, so it wasn't her. So this little girl might be our Amanda and I've called her that from the start. But I like the name Katherine, as does Marie and we've been calling her Amanda Katherine.
Katherine is a great name because you can call her Kate, Kathy or Katie. I got to liking Katie and have started getting attached to that. My mom had a cow. That is not an uncommon thing as she has cows quite often. But this one was a Holstein. Big Holstein. Horns and all. Major cow. The reason is that apparently folks called her all kinds of knicknames, which is to be considered here.
But I'm VERY reluctant to listen to my mom's advice on naming, though I usually listen to her for everything else as she's a smart lady. But naming is NOT her strong suit. Just ask my brother Wier. Double u, i, e, r. Wier. Poor guy. He's been abused for that for as long as I remember. I would have changed it. I like Nick much better for him. He looks like a Nick. Has big forearms like a Nick. Even a goatee like a Nick. I've seen him called Wire, Ware, Wear, WEE-er and a host of other contortions.
Nope. Mom is OUT on baby naming.
But recently I've been listening to me say the word Amanda. For some reason its not sticking any more and I really like Katie. So Marie and I settled on Katie. Yes, Marie has a vote. She can veto anything and almost always does.
But it is decided. She is Katherine Elizabeth Perry.
At least until I sign the papers...
Now if my wife had given my a BOY like I asked for...why he'd be Donald Eugene Talmage Oxnard Perry the IV. I love family names!
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