My five year old is quite fascinated with breast feeding. She watches my wife with the same intent that she watches a new Disney movie. She just doesn't understand why we aren't using bottles.
I firmly believe that the reason my oldest daughter is so healthy is that she was breast fed. She's only been sick for a few times in her life and is the picture of health. What surprises me even more is that my AA cup wife that I married six years ago can feed a baby twelve times a day now.
Still, the most amazing thing of all is how difficult it is to breast feed. I remember the first time I saw Marie when she was about to start. This is natural. Humans have been doing this for thousands of years and raised countless billions of human children. So just WHY does the lactation nurse need to be here?
Then I found out. This is an incredibly difficult thing to do. You have to be TAUGHT how to breast feed. Amazing. For instance, there are several different ways to hold a baby for feeding...
The Football Hold: Guys, you've all seen pictures of the Heisman trophy. You take the little squirt, put her tiny head in your hand and tuck her in like a running back would. It is VERY important that you not spike the ball!
The Cross Hold: Basically this is just laying the baby on your lap. The problem is the baby is NOT at the right angle for feeding with this hold so you have to grab her head, swat the little hands out of the way, and snap her mouth on the nipple like putting a number 10 socket on a Craftsman socket wrench (with a quarter inch drive.) Be carefully not to cross thread the nipple or you will never get the little sucker off.
The Dock Hold: When the mommy is just too tired to sit up, she can lay on her side like a supertanker. Then the little boat can sail up next to her and get fuel. It is important that the supertanker is well anchored or the little boat can get capsized.
Fathers out there, you have to be aware of the suction power of a 6 lb 9 oz infant. Measured scientifically a baby can pull 9 bars of vacuum. That is enough to pull a glass windshield out of the car, seal and all. If this little sucker decides that you are a food source you have to take your smallest finger and slide it in the corner of their mouth to break the vacuum. You'll hear a load popping sound when it happens! I've found the best thing for the bruise it leaves is an ice pack. From now on I'm wearing a shirt.
When you have a C-section baby the milk doesn't always come in quickly. In fact it can take four or five days. This is where the daddy comes in. It's your job to get the smelly formula, warm it up (not in the microwave - I use a blow torch) and feed the little munchkin. The problem is that whatever goes down, comes back up. How much comes up depends on the value and the cleanliness of your shirt. If it is your lucky golf shirt that you were wearing when you hit the only hole-in-one you've ever hit, then you will get 100% of the formula back up on you. Notice the warm sensation? Thought you did.
Tomorrow we'll go to the Pediatric Doctor and see Nurse Mayfield, the lactation nurse. She has helped us out before so we'll look forward to the visit. Meanwhile, the daddy is going to grab a five minute nap.
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